Written by: John Beaird
Directed by: George Mihalka
Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Peter Cowper, Keith Knight
Released by: Paramount
My Advice: Watch it only if you’re drunk.
You’d think a town called Valentine’s Bluff would milk the holiday of love and chocolate for all it’s worth, but the town is only having its first Valentine’s Day Dance after twenty years. You see, it seems that, all those years ago, the supervisors at the local mine left early for the dance and six miners were trapped in a cave-in. After many weeks of digging, the only survivor was Harry Warden (Cowper), now an insane cannibal. Next year, he killed the two supervisors and promised that if the town held another dance, Warden would express his displeasure homicidally. But after twenty years, the town mayor thinks it’s time start up the traditional dance again with Warden in the asylum and all. But no sooner than the hearts go up, the body count starts up as well. There’s a subplot with a girl torn between two men, but that’s just filler from one horrible death to another. Will anyone escape the gas-masked madman wielding that pick-ax?
My Bloody Valentine is a perfect example of the formula slasher movie. It has the crazed serial killer with the odd creation story, authority figures that are useless, horny teenagers who get killed when they try to relieve said horniness, and the complete lack of common sense in everyone involved. The acting and writing are both unremarkable, but at least the deaths are nice and gory. This would normally make it commendable at least for delivering on the promise of its slasher genre roots, but still: after the post-modern deconstruction of the Scream trilogy, the comic savaging of the genre by Scary Movie and its sequels, and the general increase of pop-culture sophistication of the viewing audience, these movies are laughable and really only worthwhile as a slice (no pun intended) of cinematic horror history.
This is a bare bones release, so that even a fan of the film (if one were to actually exist), couldn’t see fit to add it to their collection. There’s not even a trailer, much less any kind of featurette addressing the film’s place in the horror genre or anything like that. At this stage of the game, we suppose we should be grateful that it’s in widescreen. Without any special features on the disc, the only way to enjoy this movie that we recommend is to get a bunch of friends, imbibe your preferred alcohol, and give it the MST3K treatment.