Coca-Cola Blak

Review: Once this thing finally hit stores, I swear I’ve had people asking me…and this is how the conversation starts, verbatim: “So?” As though Blak would be at the forefront of my mind. These people think they know me.

Well, it probably would be at the forefront of my mind, but I went and bought a four-pack and barely finished the single one that I opened. This stuff is pretty goddamn wretched. They call it a “caffeinated fusion beverage,” but all they managed to fuse together is disgust and revulsion.

I imagine its creation goes something like this: take Coke. Shove something that’s alive and comprised entirely of sweet plastic into the bottle. Let it die in there. Serve chilled.

The reason why this doesn’t work is simple: my arch-nemesis, aspartame. I can’t handle anything with aspartame in it, because while it might cut down on the sugar, in return for this service, it makes everything taste like twelve miles of ass. I wish they would have come out with an unleaded version and then put aspartame in the Blak Zero version, or whatever. Because the concept behind the drink is mental, but sound nonetheless. The execution just sucks. Seriously, who in the hell is going to drink a concoction that’s half Coke, half coffee and worry about freaking sugar content? Does anyone who would elect to drink this type of product strike you as the type of person who’s hyper-health-conscious?

If you’re one of the five people who do like it, better stock up now. It’s not long for this world. And good riddance.

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