Meth Coffee

Meth Coffee drew my attention very quickly. Like the energy drink Cocaine, it’s named in such a way as to trick silly whackjobs into doing its publicity work for free. “Ah! We must protest!” And thus these idiots market the hell out of things. Because they have nothing else to do.

I respect the manipulation of morons.

Not being a moron myself (at least not in regards to high octane rocket fuel coffee, mind you), I contacted these shadowy individuals behind Meth Coffee and requested a bag. You folks know me. I have a tolerance level for caffeine that has reached ridiculous heights. Sometimes I have to get caffeinated up just to relax enough to sleep. I have a bunch of pure caffeine that I add to water because sometimes you just want the jolt without the sugar. So in other words, I’m a nutbag.

And I appear to be this company’s demographic. Check out their description of the product:

METH COFFEE, a volatitherapeutic beverage, IS FORMULATED after chemical confetti and wakes zombies, fucks with perfectionists, straightens drunks, rattles teetotalers, revs vandals in search of impetus, brightens house chores AND CUTS BOREDOM LIKE A GODDAMN RAZOR.

It’s kind of like Raoul Duke started a coffee company, yes? Oh, it just gets better. The coffee is not only choice, but they’ve laced the stuff with yerba mate, which is a lovely stimulant. As a result, this stuff is potent.

The first time I drank it, it walked up to me and…well, you know that thing where you’re so caffeinated you feel like your eyelids are being held open? If the answer is no, you haven’t lived. If the answer is yes, well, that’s what happened. The second time I drank it, I was thinking, “Hmmm, this stuff isn’t working like it did the first time, I wonder if I used enough…” and then it jumped from the bushes and hit me over the head with a crowbar.

What I’m saying is that this stuff is the coffee equivalent of Kato from the Pink Panther flicks. Utterly unpredictable, insane, and not for the faint of heart. If you’re looking for a serious kick, or if you want something to go halfsies on some other kind of coffee, then this is for you. If you’re not a full-on coffee commando, then for the love of all that is holy, stay away. This stuff will take your lunch money if you’re not careful.

$12 a bag. Is good. Is real good. Take it from the craziest caffeine addict you know. And that would be me.

Update/Full Disclosure: Since I wrote this, we’ve become an affiliate of Meth Coffee. When you buy through our links, you help support the site. If I didn’t like the product, I wouldn’t endorse it like this. I sought out the affiliation after liking the stuff so much. So if it was sucksville, I wouldn’t have bothered. Just so you know and there’s no confusion.