Kosher Coke: An Open Letter to Coca-Cola

Passover or Kosher Coke

Hey, Coke. What’s the deal already?

This year I snagged some of your “Passover” or “Kosher” Coke. The kind that you make with real sugar instead of with high fructose corn syrup.

Okay, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t snag some of it. I bought out all that I could find at three Publixs. But that’s not the point.

The point is this: why the hell isn’t this available year round?

Come on, it tastes better. We did a blind taste test between regular Coke and kosher Coke and the kosher version has a richer, fuller taste to it. I know it sounds insane to be talking about your soft drink like I’m some sort of wine connoisseur but at least I’m not saying that it needs to breathe first and swishing it around in my glass, am I?

Look. I know it’s easier to work with and cheaper and all that good stuff. But let’s face it: consumers are trying to get away from the high fructose stuff. I don’t pretend to even understand all the health controversy that’s going on, I tried to read up on the Wikipedia article before writing this and it mentioned “plasma triacylglycerol” and my eyes sort of glazed over (mmmm, glaze). It sounds like something the crew of Star Trek Voyager would seek out while being chased by cauliflower-headed aliens. But forget all that: it just freaking tastes better. That’s all I care about, because if I was really concerned about my health, why would I be drinking Coke?

No offense.

Anyway, it’s obvious you can make the stuff. It’s obvious there’s a market. I know just what to do: make a huge deal about how you believe in consumer choice and the market deciding things and release it as Coca-Cola Prime. Hell, if it’s more expensive, charge more for it. Think about it: GET PRIMED WITH COKE. See? I’m giving you a campaign for free!

You’ll get the health nuts who don’t trust aspartame and sucralose, you’ll get the posh people who buy things simply because they cost more, and you’ll get people like me, who want to fool themselves into thinking they’re being healthier and are also of the opinion that fake sweeteners taste like plastic baboon sweat. (I still can’t believe you sweetened Coca-Cola Blak with aspartame. How could you?)

Look, I drink enough of your product, so I know what I’m talking about. Work with me here, okay? Just think about it. Because you’ve got Zero, Diet Coke, Zero, C2, all kinds of flavors…come on. Get Primed already.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. And what’s up with the yellow caps not having any Coke Rewards codes in them? I know the Jews are “God’s chosen people,” and they’ve got that going for them and all, but that’s no reason to shut them out of the online equivalent of redeeming Skeeball tickets.

Image: From Off the Broiler.

By | 2017-09-24T23:32:10+00:00 April 28th, 2007|Drinks|5 Comments

5 Comments

  1. Pablo May 3, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    Lol @ the skeeball reference. I loved that movie. Alanis as God….

  2. Denny Rice August 3, 2009 at 1:36 am

    You better put passover Coke on the market all year around, in all 50 states before I start drinking Pepsi “throwback” and never return to “the real thing” ever again. I had my first can of Pepsi throwback tonight, and it rocks! I thought I was 10 yrs old again! Its the first cola in years that didn’t leave that thick slimey feeling in my mouth. PEPSI throwback rocks! Sorry Coke.

  3. Widge August 3, 2009 at 2:31 am

    Denny: I don’t know what they’re waiting on either. Although I demonstrated I couldn’t tell the difference when it came to Coke, it seems to me they’re missing a trick with those that can. Thanks for the comment.

  4. Brenden October 14, 2009 at 3:17 am

    I know this is an outdated post, but maybe it notifies you of a comment or something. Point is, the reason sugar is more expensive is from a government quota on the amount we can import. This effectively doubles the price of sugar. Gee, thanks Uncle Sam.

  5. Widge October 14, 2009 at 3:52 am

    Brenden: Thanks for your comment…yes, well aware of that. And I agree that government should more than likely butt out of that. However, if it costs more and people obviously want it, then charge the people more for it and make it a premium product. Then there’s no worries. Now, my recent taste test has proven that I can’t bloody well tell the difference taste-wise, so I’m less concerned about it–but I do still want the option. Anyway, again, thanks for commenting.

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