Big Black Java Monster – Drink Review

Big Black Java Monster

Coffee + energy should = kickass, yes? Well, yes. But doesn’t always happen in practice. Read on.

Pop the top, stick in a straw, suck down the first gulp. First thing that hits is an overwhelming taste of sweetness. So much so that I immediately turned the can around to check the ingredients again.

No, there’s not huge amounts of sugar in this. Take another swig. Nope. Something’s definitely wrong here. Skim the ingredients: there it is. Oh for fuck’s sake. Shoulda known. Sucralose.

Sucralose and aspartame give anything and everything a weird taste and then an unpleasant aftertaste. It just screams “FAKE” at my tastebuds. In fact, drinking this reminds me almost of that abomination, Coke Blak.

But after my initial horror of putting some of this crap in my system, something else hits me–and maybe it’s the Coke flashback that reminds me: “Big Black”? To me, “Big Black” implies straight-up black coffee. I was looking forward to Monster-level stimulants in a bigass can of coffee. But this has “reduced fat milk” along with sugar and fake sugar. So the name throws me right there. I’ll have a mixed coffee drink that’s sweet every once in a while, sure, but for straight up coffee, I haven’t had anything this sweet-tasting since I first got hooked right out of high school. That’s when I was taking free coffee from the customer center I worked out of desperation to stay awake in college–yes, that’s how it all started, folks.

So, anyway, the name is flat wrong and they tainted it with sucralose. Is there anything good about the drink? Yeah, the “energy blend” which is 2500 milligrams of glucose, caffeine, guarana and other things with lots of syllables. What does that mean in real English? Energy Fiend says that we’re talking about 140 milligrams of caffeine. That provides for a decent push, sure, but not enough to overwhelm the sickening fake sweetness.

You know, come to think of it, while we’re on the subject of taste… guess what I can’t taste in this? That’s right: coffee. This isn’t for people who like coffee, this is for people who say they like coffee but really they just like cream and sugar. If you’re one of those people, then this might work for you. As for me, I’m not even going to finish this can.

By | 2017-09-24T23:30:32+00:00 June 22nd, 2007|Reviews|1 Comment

One Comment

  1. melissa July 3, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    I lost over 75 pounds with JAVA MONSTER’S
    I used to be a size 24 I am now a size 16. Thank you Java Monster you have helped me along the way! You are a part of me because you helped make me who I am today; You’ll never be forgotten. The best of me is now here to stay! Long live the Monster Energy thanks for your help… Melissa Samantha Hashash

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