We understand that some people who have never heard of books might be a little anxious as to what they’re going to be watching once all the new shows run out. Well, never fear: Needcoffee.com is here to save you. We have prepared this list of ten shows that we could get a pilot written for–whoops! *cough cough* I mean we could pitch to someone to do with no writers whatsoever! Just like, you know, all reality shows are. *cough*
10. Num3rology: Sudoku! Bingo! Lotto! And crime! With Numb3rs gone, what’s better than imposing some half-baked mystics onto a police department? “Can I see your badge number?” “Why? Are you going to report me?” “No, I just think it’s causing your psoriasis.”
9. Not Lost: Four men in an SUV in the middle of a large metropolitan area. Where are they going? When do they have to be there? Why don’t they simply stop and ask for directions? It’s almost David Lynchian in its sheer artistic pointlessness. We could get several seasons out of this.
7. Crime Investigators!: Find the small town with the lowest crime rate in the country. Take three CSI-types and pack them and all their equipment off to the town. They’ll either go insane from the boredom or take up macrame. Or both. I could probably actually watch this one.
6. The Search for the Next Bounty Hunter: It’s all the fun and class of Who Wants to be a Superhero mixed with America’s Top Model… but with mace! And A&E could really use a replacement for Dog anyway. So.
5. Fools And Their Money: Sort of like a cross between The Real Hustle and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, three con artists are set loose on people with more money than sense and offer to help them renovate their house with “priceless antiques” and “rarities” taken from Salvation Army stores. Educational, too, since people learn how to make crap look “distressed” and “pre-owned” and whatever else. And sell it for gobs of money.
4. That 1970s House. All of the hyped up pomp of PBS with all the shag rug of That ’70s Show. Take kids and make them live with three channels, plaid pants and no internet. Watch them go insane. The real fun is when their friends get to stop by and taunt them with iPods. Forget voting people out of the house. Stay in there. It’s like a sadistic pop culture ant farm.
3. Starcade! Hell yes, bring it back…the only trick is that they’re having to play the games from the original. That’s right, you can take your hi-def online play and your force feedback and your Wii bowling and shove it up your ass, kids. Get pwned by some 8-Bit while all us old bastards laugh at you. You think the Xbox controller’s hard? Try Defender’s fifteen buttons, ya jackass.
I know it seems like we’re picking on the younger people. And well. We are. But it’s fun.
2. Survivor. No, really. Hear me out. After 15 seasons of this damn thing, we might as well spice it up a bit. Tribes? Bullshit. Ninjas and Pirates, baby. On one side, martial arts badasses. On the other side, actual ocean pirates…and one guy who got tagged for uploading Cher, Britney Spears and the Cheetah Girls tracks to BitTorrent. That’s right. It’s not the piracy that gets us pissed, it’s just the lack of taste.
1. The Real Night of the Living Dead. Okay, let’s be serious for about six seconds: you would watch this. So would I. Here’s the setup. Contestants think they’re in some Survivor-like program. But instead, they get dropped out in the middle of nowhere and have just hours to find shelter and prepare for the onslaught of ghouls. You could even make it last a single night and do it hour by hour, 24-stylee. Get George Romero on board as a producer. Then next season it’s The Real Dawn of the Dead in a mall. Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t watch this. What? Liar! Filthy goddamn liar!
What’s scary is that eight of these are already in development hell. The other two will be after I hit “publish” on this.