Lucas in Carbonite

Anonymous staff at Lucasfilm have finally come clean and Needcoffee can reveal the shocking truth: George Lucas was captured in July of 1980 by extraterrestrial forces and has been replaced by an insidious android duplicate.

These photos at Slashfilm prove (honest) what we’ve joked about all along, but never dreamed it would be true. The reason that Return of the Jedi began the sharp decline of the Star Wars saga is because Lucas was no longer at the helm, but instead an android marionette, controlled by aliens hiding in orbit.

“They were testing the waters with Return,” one source said. “They added the Ewoks just to see if anybody would balk–they hid behind making it more family-friendly. Then with Phantom Menace they started systematically destroying this cherished pop culture series. With Star Wars in tatters, he moved onto Indiana Jones–that’s why the fourth movie was so lame.”

We then asked: if this is Fake Lucas, is there a Fake Spielberg? “I’ve already said too much,” came the reply.

When we asked why the carbonite Lucas shown here is the older Lucas and not the 1980 Lucas, the response was simply “They’ve frozen him a few times now. It’s the only way they can hold him–if he’s not frozen, he keeps breaking out of the prison and leading revolts and shit. He wants so badly to get back to Earth and set things right, but he never quite makes it.” Our source choked back a sob and said, “Those bastards.”

When we asked if these were the same strange aliens who also replaced John Carpenter with a duplicate, the source said, “Yes! Yes, exactly! Warn Christopher Nolan and Edgar Wright! They’re next! You’ve got to warn them!”

The source’s phone line then went dead. This is ominous news indeed. Our Needcoffee ninja squad is now on full alert and we advise you to put yours in the same mode.