Rejoice! You have survived 2017! All the natural disasters, all the important people whipping their dick out without permission, and all the bat shittiness from the Orange Julius Caesar. You’re still here. So relax, have a glass of eggnog, and watch a holiday classic. Like The Thin Man, Die Hard, or even Batman Returns. I’m currently waiting for Krampus for our usual round of reindeer games. I’m making some birch switches and Krampus is bringing his manacles. He’s a traditionalist but I’m sure he’ll some of the other… devices I have in store. A silver lining to this year being so evil, it gives Krampus more energy and stamina. He likes it when I wear some scent, especially since we get all sweaty from all the naughty naughty things we do. I’d tell you but Widge gets all sensitive and prudish. So I will tell you about the scents that Black Phoenix offering this Yule season for when you kiss (or other amorous act) Santa Claus. He could use some attention too.
First we start with some old favorites. For the spirit of the season, we have Midnight Mass with its sacred incenses and for the ‘other’ spirit of the season we have Eggnog with its sweet brandy, dark rum, heavy cream, sugar, and a dash of nutmeg. If you want someone a bit more interesting than the standard Santa there is La Befana, the Italian Christmas witch who rides a broomstick and pops down a chimney to deliver toys to good children. No animal slavery here. You have the smokiness of chimney dust and charcoal, the lilies and parma violets appropriate for a lady of a certain age, and cypress for her broom all given a sugary sweetness for all the children she visited. Also there is Ded Moroz, or Grandfather Frost, who can give gifts to the worthy but can also he can punish the unworthy with the power of winter: icing over farm fields, burying homes in snow, and freezing those who get on his bad side. For his good side you get golden and white amber but then for his bad side you have the dark menacing woods with teak, redwood, bois du rose and tree moss, the magic of sage and the ever present snow.
Now here are some of the newcomers. There is Hearth with its smell of pipe tobacco, cherry wood, the warm, worn leather of an easy chair and a pleasant, subtle waft of fireplace smoke. I’m assuming this is right because I live in Florida where winter is considered a myth made up by Yankees. We also have The Fruit of Paradise. No, not the apple, the pomegranate. It is the reason for the season in ancient Greek myth where Persephone ate some of its seeds and has to spend winter done in the Underworld with Hades while her mother, Demeter, grieves and makes the earth cold and barren. So I guess Persephone is the first snowbird. Hypothermia is a scent that is bracing and chilly but without all that shivering, limbs freezing, and organ failure.
And what is Christmas without food? Lots and lots of food. You got Blackcurrant Sufganiyot (sufganiyot is like a Jewish version of a jelly doughnut) so you get the smell of fried sugary dough and blackcurrants in Chocolate Stout Cupcake that reminds one of, well, chocolate, sugar, and stout; Peppermint Cream Cupcake that smells of red velvet cake and peppermint. Straight and to the point. Actually it’s more like straight and to your tummy, thighs, butt… you get the idea.
There are also An Evening with the Spirits such as Spirit Board and Ectoplasm, the Snowdrift mixtures like Frostbitten Dorian and Frostbitten Snake Oil, and the Yule Phobias with Allodoxaphobia (Fear of Opinions) and Viscacaephobia (Fear of Kissing Under the Mistletoe), but again I saved the best for last. Black Phoenix made a perfume line based on that perennial favorite, The Twelve Days of Christmas. Of course, this being Black Phoenix, they take a more macabre twist on the song.
With whimsical but horrific illustrations by Drew Rausch, each scent reflects both the song lyric and the creepy take Dave gives to it. For instance, Partridge in a Pear Tree. As you can see in the picture, this is not a pear. So not a pear. More like a writhing spider egg sac. You have wild plum and black musk representing the proud spider mama and lemon sugar representing the eggs. Don’t ask me why lemon sugar…talk to Black Phoenix about that. You also have Five Golden Rings where the rings are being removed in a brutal but efficient manner. You have golden amber, lemon peel, and royal agarwood for the gold, tonka bean and white orris for the exposed, and a splash of blood. Again, do not ask me about this.
There is so much to choose from so go to Black Phoenix and browse their massive selection. And tell them that Need Coffee sent you. Now if you will excuse me, I have to unwrap Krampus’ package.