Author - Bob the Zombie

Vicious Lips (1988) – Adverse Video Review

Vicious Lips movie poster

Have you ever wondered if there were more three-boob alien prostitute movies besides Total Recall? Well, you’re in luck!

When reading the description on Netflix for Vicious Lips, I got excited! I got so excited because I thought that finally I was going to get a live-action Jem. Not just that–I thought that I was going to get Jemin space!

The premise for the movie is that an unknown space-glam-rock-all-girl-band gets their “big break” to play at a very well-known venue, “Radioactive Dreams,” on the other side of the Galaxy. The only catch? It’s on the other side of the galaxy, they need a ride, and a new lead singer. Doesn’t it sound awesome? I mean…look at the movie poster!

No, no wait. Just wait. Wait right here, because this is where I dash your hopes and warn you–even though no one warned me. No, you don’t get Jem in space! Not even close! Instead, you get a movie that was good only for the first twenty-six minutes.

Honestly, the only thing keeping me watching this was the thought of the awesome nap I was going to have afterward…that, and random boobies.

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Arena (1989) – Adverse Video Review

Arena VHS

Made in 1988, released to video stateside in 1991 for your viewing pleasure, welcome to Arena!

This futuristic proto-Real Steel, which has one of the best handicap-systems for boxing ever, is a movie all 1980s film aficionados must see!

On a space station where anything that’s bedazzled or covered in lamé fabric obviously makes it futuristic, the intergalactic pastime is to watch alien “gladiators” box/sumo wrestling/UFC fight/slap flight. All right, I know it sounds confusing, and the story line behind the boxing matches (which you crave more of throughout the movie) seems to get in the way of this Rocky in space–but it is a really neat idea for a sport!

The sport is kind of a mix between Rock’em Sock’em Robots (because the aliens fighting each other are bastard children of Rahzar and Tokka from TMNT2, a grasshopper, and Maurice from Little Monsters minus being blue, and well, minus being robots too) Sumo wresting (because the singular purpose of each fighter is to toss their opponent out of the ring twice before they can declare victory) and slap fighting (because there’s a lot of slapping going on and sometimes not enough fist punching).

Witness some of this mayhem:
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High Spirits (1988) – Adverse Video Review

High Spirits movie poster

1988 was a great year for films. It was the year of Rain Man, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Big, Coming to America, Die Hard and High Spirits? I bet you are thinking to yourself, “Wow, I don’t think I have seen this.” Now go to the bottom of this article and read the cast line up and then ask yourself this question: “Have I seen this movie?”

High Spirits is one of those 1980s films that dance the line between obscure and “Man, I know I have seen this on TNT.” It has a cast (Daryl Hannah, Peter O’Toole, Steve Guttenberg, a pre-boob job Jennifer Tilly, Beverly D’Angelo, Peter Gallagher, a very skinny Liam Neeson, and more) that makes you wonder whether or not you have actually seen this movie. Ladies and gents, this film rides that fine line so often that the Blockbuster by my house doesn’t even carry it. In fact, I have tried for a while to find it at local stores and finally broke down and ordered it online.

For those of us that don’t ride the “maybe-train” but bought a ticket on the “This-is-awesome-train-o-wacky-ghost-antics”–the answer is yes: it is the one parked next to the Ghostbusters 2-train—you remember how amazingly hilarious and heart warming this Metro Goldwyn Mayer film is. From fake ghosts, to ghosts that want love, sex, and their castle back, High Spirits is one of those films from the 1980s that keeps you coming back for more.

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Warriors of the Wasteland – Adverse Video Review

Warriors of the Wasteland movie poster

1982 was apparently a great year for crappy movies to find their way over to American soil. To truly understand the meaning behind the rating of this film just remember “The One’s” most important line from Warriors of the Wasteland: “It’s against the rules to interrupt me!…Now Go! Hate and Exterminate!”

This film pits a death-squad called “The Templars” against “The Scorpion,” a former Templar who wishes to live in peace…in a desert nuclear-post-apocalyptic future in the year 2019 A.D just after 1970s synthesized music made its way out of mainstream movies and into porn.

While the potshots at handle-mustache-wearing-renegade-soldiers-from-Spaceballs makes the first few minutes and the first of NINE (count ’em) dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome (why does it have a dome again?) car chase scenes remotely bearable. The other EIGHT dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome car–oh and metal skull as a dashboard ornament (can’t forget that)–chase scenes and lack of plot, aren’t all that bearable.

Seriously, how many bad car chase scenes without explosions does a movie really need, if it isn’t Dukes of Hazzard? Really, are you serious? You really want me to like ALL NINE of the NINE dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome car chase scenes and not fast-forward through them?

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My Stepmother is an Alien – Adverse Video Review

My Stepmother is an Alien movie poster art

Jimmy Durante by far is one of the best musicians to come out of America. In fact, every single time I hear him sing, it makes me think of at least one movie in particular: My Stepmother is an Alien.

Now, I know you are probably wondering “Why this connection?”

Have you ever had the feeling that you had some sort of connection to a film from your childhood that you just can’t seem to get away from? That one film that makes you think about your childhood and go “Yeah, that was a great moment.” As silly as this may be, for me that film was My Stepmother is an Alien.

The story goes like this: the first film that I ever saw by myself in the theaters just after sneaking out of school (sorry Mom) was this film. Granted the movie did come out in 1988, and I was still but a wee lass, the film was always being re-shown at the local dollar theater a few blocks away from where I went to summer school. (On a sidebar: Take you hats off to the Dollar Movie Theaters around the U.S.A. they work their butts off to give us cheap entertainment…pause for a moment of silence and a sip of whatever you may be drinking.)

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Robocop – Adverse Video Review

Robocop movie poster

There is a section in “Burning Down the House” by the Talking Heads that pretty much sums up Robocop: “My house/S’out of the ordinary/That’s might/Don’t want to hurt nobody/Some things sure can sweep me off my feet/Burning down the house!”

Now this isn’t to say that the film burnt down my house…more like singed my couch. Perhaps charred my coffee table a bit, but not a full on burn. Perchance it is because I went into the first of this 80s film series with high expectations. You see, I had never seen “Robocop One,” as some call it. I didn’t realize this until I was tooling through Comcast’s On Demand Free Movies and discovered they had the entire series available.

With a sudden spark of childish excitement I, of course, read the summary. I was in the mood for some nostalgia and only then did I realize that I, a connoisseur of Bad films, had not seen it. “What?” I said to myself pondering the unquestionable, “After all these years, I had the nerve to lie to myself! How dare I lie to myself,” to which I got a little awkwardly angry with myself. I then proceeded to make a bag of popcorn and put on Robocop.

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Tank Girl – Adverse Video Review

Tank Girl movie poster art

Every once and again all you really need is a hot chick with a tank.

Cole Porter’s “Let’s do it, Let’s Fall in Love,” has never been the same since Tank Girl. No matter how many times I watch or hear mention of Wake Up and Dream (Porter’s musical revue) I can’t help but think of Lori Petty forcing Ann Magnuson to sing it. Let’s face it: you will fall in love with this film…that is, if you haven’t already.

Let’s bite the bullet: the classics always stay classic. Let’s stop hiding from the fact that they never let you down, or cheat on you with another genre. They stay the same as they were in your childhood: unbelievably awesome!

Fundamentally, on those never-ending days of a never-ending week filled with too much paperwork and not enough funny, I, like you, find myself needing silliness. It is in moments like these, that the weekend of what I like to call “screw the world-pull-and-play” begins. Really, it is a simple formula to solve any monotone week.

Pull random movie from rack from desired genre section
((Popcorn + chocolate)/ a strong drink) + (inserting into DVD player + pushing play))
= A good day.

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Enter the Ninja – Adverse Video Review

Enter the Ninja cover art

Enter the Ninja (1981) brings new meaning to “all white meat,” of the turkey variety.

First, I have to say that after watching this film I have a new theory about Hong Kong Theater films made between 1980 and 1990: they on average have something happening to a live chicken in them. Like the ninja star close-up, films of this genre from this decade, for the most part, include something happening to a live chicken. Which makes the Live-Chicken as much of a staple to Hong Kong Theater as the Ninja Star Close-up. Think about it? Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind had a chicken decapitation scene! Enter the Ninja is no exception to the rule.

Several times throughout the film, the local Manilaians–people who live in Manila, which is the capital of the Philippines, which I didn’t know until I “Googled It,” (damn you socialization!)–start a cock fight.

Now, if you don’t know where Manila is then this film can be more entertaining than it really should be–due to the mere fact that several times throughout the film you will find yourself scream “WHERE ARE YOU” to the television screen and laugh. That’s what I found myself doing after the film lost me in the first transition from Japan to what looked like Mexico. Yet, then all of the sudden the head bad guy–Mr. Venarius complete with gay lisp, synchronized swimmers, all white suited henchmen and lead henchman Mr. Parker who when order slaps people on command–is introduced and now it looks like they are in Miami. Then, meanwhile in another film happening in Vietnam or “Africa” as they call it, two US Marines dressed in Army Infantry fatigues are running from one guy with a semiautomatic and b-rate explosions.

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Pray for Death – Adverse Video Review

Pray for Death with Sho Kosugi

Okay, the poster headline says it all: “Sho Kosugi…the hottest kick since Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee!”

When life gives you the flu, it also gives you a chance to relax with chicken noodle soup, hot tea and a chainsaw wielding mobster fighting a masked ninja (played by Sho Kosugi)—it’s the only cure really.

The 1980s, as always, have done it again! Pray for Death brings new meaning to sick days. If all you are looking for is a bit of ass kicking, this film is for you. However, if you are looking for the best kid-punching-wife-killing mob lackey bad guy of all time—then congratulations! You’ve found him!

Now, a good American Kung Fu flick from 1985 is as always the Vapor rub for your chest cold. Yet, an American Kung Fu flick from 1985 that opens with a ninja fight–close-ups on ninja-stars for at least two seconds before they are thrown and all—but the scene isn’t really apart of the movie but a television show the two Japanese kids in the movie are watching; this is the Tabasco sauce drops you drip down your throat to clear up your congested sinuses. But, ladies and gentlemen, this film brings you more than just a few drops; it brings you the whole bottle.

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Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind – Adverse Video Review

Encounters of the Spooky Kind DVD cover art

Sammo Hung Kam-bo + Chinese Ghouls + Voodoo + a Murder plot + a bet gone wrong + kung-fu + pranks = Awesomeness for all ages.

Golden Harvest Productions has done it again! This kung fu comedy brings new meaning to the art of the exploding chicken. Our friend Sammo Hung Kam-bo has always been the Bruce Campbell of Hong Kong Martial Arts Cinema. His 1980s classic Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind or Gui da gui or Encounter of the Spooky Kind or Ghost Against Ghos—I know it has a few translated titles, but that is what makes it so awesome–brings comedy gold, of the cheddar persuasion, to new heights!

Between hopping ghouls/zombies/vampires mimicking the iconic “Y-M-C-A” arm flares we love to hate to do, and voodoo possessed guards beating each other up this film has everything we Hong Kong Theater nuts love. From a trailer declaring that you’ll “Enjoy Sammo Hung and his bag of tricks” to an ending you’ve always begged for, this film brings the 1980s home for the holidays.

If you don’t like kung-fu action mixed with quality dubbing, then don’t buy this film. If you don’t like ridiculous costumes or Hong Kong Comedy Horror films, then why are you reading this? Check out the trailer yourself.

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