Hayao Miyazaki is a genius. I think we can all agree on that. If you want to talk about an auteur who builds fantastic worlds the likes of which you’ve never seen, he’s the only name worth mentioning. He takes the art of animation to a degree that before or since has only been scratched. We all love Pixar, don’t get me wrong, but the Pixar canon is the work of many different directors and writers all collaborating to make the best possible film. When you watch a Pixar film, you’re watching a product of dedication, creativity and exacting detail work. Miyazaki brings all that to the table, but makes it feel as effortless as breathing. It’s the difference between a bridge and a painting: both are marvelous but it’s comparing engineering to inspiration. The experience is like this: you come in to Miyazaki’s home and he shows you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, and when you mention it to him he just shrugs and says, “Eh, threw it together over the weekend.”
I like to consider myself a movie buff. My birthday parties are movie marathons. I spend a great deal of money seeing movies in theatres. I watch bad movies just for fun. I analyze movies quite thoroughly. I like to look at every angle of their production and think about they way the filmmakers went about realizing the world. I like to go on long diatribes and rants about how film could be improved–I’ve even done so, in print, on this site. Heck, I even want to write such things for a living someday.
However, it shames me to admit that there a great deal of movies I should have seen. Not just any movies–I’m talking classic movies: movies that define genres and are generally considered some of the greatest of all time. Why haven’t I seen these movies when I have seen the Star Wars Holiday Special? To be perfectly honest: I have no freaking idea. Every time I hear one of these movies mentioned and go to talk about it, all I have to contribute is, “Oh yeah…I, uh…really should see that.” Which as a movie nerd I find ABYSMAL. There are certain movies I despise not having seen, mainly because I have no idea if anyone else knows what they’re talking about.
Here at Needcoffee labs we’re busy rebuilding from our recent attack by Drs. Doom, Octopus, Destiny, and Light who formed a new super villain team, Evil M.D., to punish us for stiffing them on office fees.
As part of the settlement, we’re taking it upon ourselves to honor some hard working Nostalgic villains, long forgotten in the five dollar bin. And we thought while we’re at it, we’d make sure you smart people out there get to forging some little villains of your own. Let’s not forget idiots are reproducing faster than you. And 1992’s Mom and Dad Save the World may have been a stupid movie, but it showed what a planet of idiots was like. (Check it out and others after the jump.)
I just stepped out of James Cameron’s Masterpiece and I still can’t believe that was the script he put forward after twelve years. Twelve years. TWELVE. YEARS. Now, let me get a few things out of the way first. Avatar‘s visuals are positively stunning and I’m going to give Cameron the pass on his Na’vi treading dangerously close to the uncanny valley, because the environments were really, really cool to watch. However, there are several issues in Avatar that need to be considered. All in good fun of course–I’m not even going to pretend that this won’t make money or that we won’t be seeing sequels–but twelve years? Really?
I’m just saying that if a filmmaker of Cameron’s caliber is working on a script for twelve years, it should be better than this. I came away with so many questions about character motivation, unexplained plot devices, and generally not remembering the names of anything, that I was confused about whether or not I even liked the damn thing. However, we at Needcoffee realize this problem might be widespread, so we are going to answer many questions about the plot of Avatar by answering one of the biggest ones:
Needcoffee labs, hunting down every last scrap of evidence to our theory that every day you smart people don’t breed the world is going to hell in a handbasket have unearthed this little nugget from the Family Feud, our own personal Inquisition for such matters:
Remember, this is the Family Feud so these people undoubtedly reproduced–and did so enough that they could get five of them together on a game show…so, you know, good luck evolution, good luck.
Anyway, one of the things you can do to make your future spawn smarter and way cooler is to give them awesome books to read. And you remember books right? They’re those things you put on your Kindle when you’re not using the Wikipedia access. And they’ve even got these nifty ones that don’t require a download and work with NO POWER. EVER. Here are a few of the more awesome ones from your childhood, and some nifty videos you can use to entice the younguns.
WARNING: The following video may disturb you.
Kel Mitchell has two children. Count ’em: TWO. Those of you that have less, evolution sees Kel as more fit than you. We at Needcoffee labs have been sounding the warning for the past few months and have recently sent our Amazon and YouTube miners out to bring back for you all things past and purchasable to take the edge off the crippling fear of bringing forth spawn.
Before I start with this, don’t get me wrong, I love magic, and I love Harry Potter, I’d love to live in that universe, and as soon as they open that theme park, I’m there. However when I rolled out of the theatre after watching that Half-Blood Prince movie, I had a burning desire to live in the HP universe, if only for my fool proof get rich quick scheme: hocking cell phones to wizards.
I see that look you’re giving me, and I know it sounds like I’m the tool in the back of the movie who’s talking about how magic is “lame” but hear me out here: there is nothing that the wizarding world can offer that can compete with a simple, honest cell phone. Think about it: you’ve gotten that letter to Hogwarts you’ve wanted since you read Book One and you’re off to Hogwarts. When the wizard kids want to talk to their folks what do they have to do while you pick up your phone?
Well, they can write a letter, climb seventy or so flights of stairs to climb up to the owl loft, avoid being nipped by the bird as they tie the letter (very securely) to the creature’s leg, or put an envelope in its beak, then send it off. They’ll have their reply in three or four days. Option B, they can grab a handful of Floo Powder and cram their head in a fireplace! Doesn’t that sound delightful? I sure hope mom and dad are home cause otherwise they’ve just gotten a face full of ash for nothing. Meanwhile you’ve called your mom, dad, sister, cousin, aunt, friend from high school all with total privacy.
Needcoffee labs, hot on the trail of more powerful and purchasable products from your past ready for those of the pre-adult persuasion brings you this week’s smattering of feature films designed to enlighten and expand young horizons and hopefully save the world from looking like this in a couple hundred years:
Horrifying isn’t it? Remember the guy from your high school that sold you your Big Gulp last night? He may have seven children at this point, and thus evolution is deeming him more fit than you. Keep that in mind. Anyway, this week, to make your kids cooler we’ve tried to include a smattering of movies that enlighten, entertain and inspire, so let’s start shall we?
evrwrldBB has been with us for some time now, patiently lying in wait to spring. Now, he has sprungified. Please welcome him with something I hope will be an ongoing series of bits: NostalgiAwesome! Which he calls… Products from your childhood, for all mankind. Give him a warm, espresso-heated welcome, would you?
Here at Needcoffee, we try to prevent the world from spiraling to uncertain doom on many fronts, and one front that is currently not being addressed is children. The children are our future as they say, and an apocalypse is looming out beyond the horizon which threatens the future of life on planet Earth as we know it.
Namely, smart people aren’t having babies.