Author - ScottC

A Delayed Christmas BPAL Post Because Krampus

Krampus from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

So you may be wondering why the post about the Yule perfumes from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab is showing up after Christmas. Well, I was experimenting with some new search algorithms from Miskatonic University’s Computer Science Department to see if it would improve the hook up app, Grindr. I don’t know if it was the arcane interaction with the GPS or the time of the year, but somehow I summoned Krampus, the dark demonic beast and punisher of bratty children at Christmastime. There he was with his whip and switch in hand, looking me over, and answered the question I asked last year, “Yes, I am single.” He then asked his own question: “Your place or mine?”

So yeah, I hooked up with Krampus. I mean, it’s not every day you have lots and lots of sex with an anthropomorphic avatar. And well, Krampus is insatiable. First, we

[Widge’s Note: I’ve had to trim six paragraphs and three diagrams from the article at this point. You’re welcome.]

then lastly, we cleaned up all the whipped cream and exchanged phone numbers. So since I’ve had time to recover, here are the scents to brighten your holiday season.

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Face Your Fears With Black Phoenix

BPAL Halloween Bat

Fall has finally arrived here in Florida. Our high temperature was only at the low 70s. Of course, whether it stays we will have to see. Fall tends to fluctuate around here. But the (temporary) chill in the air does help with getting in the mood for the Black Phoenix Halloween perfume lines. So gather around my Halloween people–November or not, it is time to explore the frightening fragrances and supernatural scents from the olfactory occultists of Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab.

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The Coraline Collection From Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Coraline by Neil Gaiman: The Collection from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Coraline “Not Caroline” Jones is one of the most dangerous things known to humanity: a smart kid who is bored. Unlike the young lumpenproletariat who merely engages in standard juvenile delinquency, these young masters of disaster make nitroglycerin in the bathtub, or hack into various federal agencies, or perform science experiments on their siblings. But even more than that: Coraline belongs to that elite class where their troublemaking is not restricted to this plane of existence. She travels to a world which is similar to ours but not quite. In this other world, there is her Other Mother and her Other Father–they’re like Coraline’s parents, but with crucial differences. Those being that her Other Parents pay attention to Coraline, cook her non-exotic food, and just basically love her to pieces. Even her neighbors are far more interesting and the whole apartment building seems alive with magic. Of course, everyone having buttons for eyes is a little off-putting. And the Other Mother seems really needy. Especially when she wants Coraline to stay and have buttons installed as well. Coraline is going to have to be very brave and very clever because the Other Mother simply does not take ‘No’ for an answer.

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Gun Machine (2013) – Audiobook Review

Gun Machine cover

Written by Warren Ellis
Performed by Reg E. Cathey
Published by Hachette Audio

NYPD detective John Tallow has just seen his partner of twenty years shot by a crazy naked man with a shotgun. Of course, Tallow responses in kind by shooting the crazy man dead. This would have been the incident where Tallow, burdened with years of the violence and brutality of New York, finally shuts down.

However, the naked madman with a shotgun blew a hole into an apartment. When checking to see if anyone is hurt, Tallow discovers an apartment covered in guns. All sorts of guns from flintlocks to Saturday Night Specials, all arranged like pixels in a digital picture. They seem to convey some sort of meaning or purpose but it may be beyond sanity. Even weirder, when a sampling of the guns is tested, all of them are connected to cold cases of unsolved homicides. In other words, Tallow has just reopened over 400 unsolved murder cases and the department is not happy. His “reward” for this discovery is to investigate who did all this. And why would be nice too. So Tallow has to deal with two rather odd CSUs, a department that wouldn’t mind this whole mess sinking into the Hudson, and the killer who is very smart, very talented, and very pissed that someone fucked with his guns.

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Poetry, Chocolate & Pornography: A Black Phoenix Valentine

Black Phoenix Smell Your Date

Well, yes, yesterday saw the return of Mandatory Romance Occasion or as it is commonly known, Valentine’s Day. That day when couples desperately reach for the same cliche activities like the Fancy Dinner TM, the dozen roses, and, you know, some sort of jewelry. And for the singles, you might have drowned your loneliness in some sort of sugar, fat, or alcohol or–and more likely–a combination of all three. But complaining about Valentine’s Day has become a cliche in itself. So no more bitching and moaning, we move on to Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab‘s perfume that broaden your perspectives while delighting your nose.

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Create A New Christmas Tradition With Black Phoenix

Yules Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Christmas has always been portrayed as a time of comfort and joy. So it makes sense that people will take comfort in the many and various Christmas traditions like the tree, the carols, and the complaints. But Christmas traditions are not set in fruitcake–new ones get added and existing ones get changed all the time. For instance, along with those classics It’s A Wonderful Life and Miracle On 34th Street (the original in black and white, naturally), your Christmas viewing may also include A Christmas Story, Scrooged, or even Die Hard.

But alongside these, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab has its own Christmas traditions and wants to share them with you.

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Black Phoenix Supplements Their RPG Line

Black Phoenix Alchemy RPG Perfumes

For those not familiar with table top role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons, GURPS, or Call of Cthulhu, you usually buy the core books. These introduce you to the rules that players follow, the rules the game master follows, and the background and information about the setting. These books are usually sufficient to play the game.

But there is always something that couldn’t make it into the books by the printing date, or stuff that expands a part of the game that couldn’t fit into the books, or simply new material that the fans wanted included. So the publishers would release supplement books to, well, supplement the game. It also didn’t hurt that this would get players to spend more money but hey, we do live in a capitalistic society.

So reminding you that Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab last year released a perfume line based on Role Playing Games. What do you think they have released now?

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Black Phoenix Goes Down To Fraggle Rock

Jim Henson and friends from Fraggle Rock

HBO has become a brand name you can trust when it comes to quality original series. You can also trust that these series will also have an obscene amount of swearing, fucking, and more than a bit of the old ultra violence. Not that I don’t blame them. If you can get away with it, why not make good TV that is legitimately adult?

However, in the misty and far away era that was the 1980s (kids, ask your parents–it was a real time and not just a myth), HBO had a television show that was for children. That show was Fraggle Rock.

For you young people out there who only know about Angry Birds, Justin Bieber, and Internet porn, go here and watch some. It’s good for you. I will say that Fraggle Rock has a timeless universal quality that instantly makes it a classic. This could be due to Henson Studios making a show that wasn’t driven by toy sale figures, a desire to create something XTREME!!!, or even a need to shove socially conscious messages hard into little kids’ faces.

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A Visit To “My Milk Toof”

My Milk Teef: ickle and Lardee

Say hello to ickle (L) and Lardee (R)

We at Needcoffee like to point out fellow content creators that fill the Internet with more than just mail order pharmacies, mail order diplomas, and mail order Russian brides (although Russian brides that came with a diploma…that’s an untapped market). In the past, I have thrown at you alien invaders from Mercury, sci-fi janitors, and Isabella Rossellini curating artistic animal erotica.

Now, I am going to tell you about teeth. Specifically two milk teeth.
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