Author - ScottC

The Mercury Men Are Here

Mercury Men Title

Many of us have been a vegetable in the cubicle farm. Many of us have scars on our souls from the bureaucratic monotony and have had our humanity dulled by the neutral color schemes specially developed to do so. But here’s a thought: it could be worse. You could be an office worker in 1975. No office network, no email, and no PC to make work go faster. No smartphone, no MP3 player, and no Internet to make the day around you go faster. You might have a transistor radio. Maybe.

And of course, you would have to deal with the eight-foot aliens of solid light who fire electrical bolts and are planning to crash the Moon into the Earth.
Read More

Black Phoenix Battles Gamer Funk

Black Phoenix RPG perfumes

Now we all know that nerd stereotypes are mostly wrong. Most nerds are not living in their mom’s basements living an isolated lifestyle of video games, Star Trek marathons, and no contact with the vagina. We all know plenty of geeks who have their own homes, watch other television shows, and not only have sex–but even have children. But those who do fit the stereotype are out there. Since we are fast approaching the geek orgy that is DragonCon, we need to address another stereotype: the smelly gamer.

We all make jokes about the con goers who seem to radiate a sentient cloud of foul body odor. We all know about bringing a gas mask into the Gaming Room. We all bitch and moan about your inability to take a shower. Now, I can hear the gamers say that they don’t smell or that do know what soap is and how to use it. The problem is that not smelling will not fix your bad reputation. You must replace the common perception of smelly badly by smelling well. Lucky for you, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab is here to help you.

Read More

Black Phoenix Wants You Hot And Sweaty

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]
Cupid Caught Napping

Cupid caught napping

I get it. I know why St. Valentine’s Day is in February. It is an example of the Catholic program of replacing pagan holidays with their own. In this case, replacing the Roman festival of Lupercalia with St. Valentine’s Day. The problem is that unlike Italy, most of the Western World is kinda chilly in February. Not the best climate for a sexy holiday. When the powers that be were repackaging this for own modern consumer age, why didn’t they move it to June?

Read More

‘Skins’ Cancelled: How MTV Dropped Hot Property

Skins USA

It should have been a monster hit. MTV, the king of morally questionable television, was making a US version of Skins. This notorious UK drama features hot young teenagers indulging in alcohol, intoxicants, and orifices. MTV even had Bryan Elsley, the creator of the original show. With a huge promotional campaign, the American Skins premiered on January 17 with 3.26 million viewers.

Then it all went to shit. On June 9, MTV put the show out of its misery stating “Skins is a global television phenomenon that, unfortunately, didn’t connect with a US audience as much as we had hoped.” And if you believe that, I got some land down in Florida that I can sell to you real cheap. Let’s have a look at how MTV fucked up a hot show about hot teenagers doing hot things.

Read More

Cruellest Month #16: Your Teeth: To Egnatius


Day 16 of National Poetry Month. And for 30 Days of Poetry Audio–today the mic goes to ScottC, who brings us some Catullus. It’s “Your Teeth: to Egnatius.”

You can download it directly here and a unique feed is here. Enjoy.

Last year at this time we were listening to Lovecraft and “The Cats.”

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][audio:] Read More

The New Hotness From Threadless

Yes again Threadless presents a couple of gems that are so perfect for a couple of Needcoffee staffers, it’s a little creepy.

Dindrane does not support the exploitation of animals for silly cereals, but no doubt she will show favor on this Threadless shirt: “Taste of the Wild.” Seeing the animals together not eating other and showing the cooperation they will show when the Glorious Revolution begins and ends the Era of Man–this pleases her. All of you are so screwed.

Threadless Taste of the Wild

Read More

Violette (1978) – DVD Review

Violette DVD cover


Written by: Odile Barski, Hervé Bromberger, Jean-Marie Fritere, Frédéric Grendel
Directed by: Claude Chabrol
Starring: Isabelle Huppert, Stéphane Audran, Jean Carmet

Released by: Koch Lorber Films
Region: 1
Rating: NR
Anamorphic: N/A, 1.33:1 Full Frame

My Advice: Rent it if you’re desperate for French cinema

Violette (Huppert) seems to be a young daughter of a middle class family (Audran and Carmet) who goes to school and hopefully will marry a professional man. She also seems to be a sexually aggressive vamp who drinks in bars, has sex for money and is a pathological liar. Her parents are either well-meaning people who are trying to raise their sociopath daughter right or they are clueless saps who are stifling her with their bourgeoisie hypocrisy. Which version is true? Are they both true? These questions gain more urgency when Violette commits murder and her life depends on which version the court and the public believes. The problem is Violette can’t answer these questions for herself.

Read More

Dancing Candy, Moralizing Ghosts And Other Festive Fantasies From Black Phoenix

Krampus for Black Phoenix Christmas

‘Tis the season to have a stuffed up nose. With winter comes blocked nasal passages, dripping yellow mucus, and breathing through your mouth. But ’tis the season for Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab‘s Yule perfume collections. So get aggressive on your proboscis. Blow your nose into that hanky, flush your nose with that neti pot, and take Sudafed after you prove you’re not a meth cooker. Because there are Black Phoenix scents out in the world and you should get ready to enjoy them.

As usual, Black Phoenix celebrates Yule throughout the world. They have scents based on the Chanukkiyah (or menorah for us gentiles), the ancient Greek festival of harvesting and drinking of wine, Haloa, and the Icelandic version of Santa Claus, the mischievous Jólasveinar or Yule Lads. If you prefer perfumes that celebrate the more natural essence of the season, you can get the white snowy beauty of Winter-Time, the bitter cold of Autumn and Winter, and the hopeful Woods In Winter. And what would the season be without sweets to fatten you up and help you self medicate when visiting the relatives? There is the spicy creamy goodness of Eggnog , for our Jewish readers there is chocolate treat Gelt, and who doesn’t want a Gingerbread Poppet (I’m guessing poppet is more politically correct than man)? And if you want to have some adult fun unwrapping…things, there is Lick It Vigorously.

Read More

BPAL Gives You The Essense Of Gothic Horror

Happy Halloween from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Once more all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun. Now it is the time of year that the graves, all gaping wide, let forth their sprites in the church-way paths to glide. And by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.

Is it Shakespeare’s secret, black, and midnight hags? No, the wickedness that approaches is the magnificently magical muses of Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. Once again the spirit of the season has brought them to new heights (or depths) of inspiration. Once again I have been deemed worthy to sample their fragrant efforts and relate the experience to you. We have taken this journey before with Black Phoenix to Sleepy Hollow and to the vampire’s crypt. But I’m sure there will be plenty of new treats in store for us this year.

So get that broomstick between your legs and prepare for a hard ride… through Black Phoenix’s Halloween collections.
Read More

Memo: Time Travel Abuse, Part 3

Star Wars Admiral Ackbar Samurai

To: Needcoffee Staff
From: ScottC

Subject: Time Travel Abuse 3, The Return of The Jedi

And you were all doing so well. It’s been a couple of years since the unfortunate incident with Pac-Man and the off-the-books time travel agency. But you couldn’t resist screwing around with the time machine, could you?

I know we all have our issues with the alien android duplicate of George Lucas. Han shot first, the prequels, and now reformatting Star Wars for 3-D, I get it. But we can’t go after everyone who takes a cherished childhood media property and remake, re-imagine, or reboot them for shameless profit and/or ego. We would never have any time to update and our fans depend on us. We cannot abandon them on some futile crusade. Not to mention the massive causality paradoxes made by altering history to disenfranchise those guilty.

Now, I will admit that I thought the plan to introduce Star Wars to Edo period Japan so Kurosawa would be inspired and create the Trilogy before Lucas was clever and ironic. But messing with The Web of Time is not worth it. You don’t want to be the spiders it attracts.

To clean up the mess, we again used Process #34 on an artist, Steve Bialik, and he has made some nice prints based on his “inspiration.” You can even buy some here.

So please remember, history is not an Etch-A-Sketch.
Read More