Written by: David Hayter and Alex Tse, based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
Directed by: Zack Snyder
Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Billy Crudup, Malin Ackerman, Matthew Goode, Patrick Wilson, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Carla Gugino, Robert Wisden
Review: His views on sexy costumes notwithstanding, Rorschach is my idol. So long as they did him right, I’d be willing to forgive a lot from this movie. And they did. They nailed the character I had come to love and admire so well, that I didn’t even realize that the rest of the movie was excellent as well. So there was nothing to forgive. Hey kids! Put on a mask and run around the rooftops to violently punish criminals! With fire! It’s fun, and easy to be your own vigilante! With fire!
Time: 23 seconds
Written by: Frank Miller, based on the comic by Will Eisner
Directed by: Frank Miller
Starring: Gabriel Macht, Dan Gerrity, Jaime King, Eva Mendes, Ellen Dolan, Scarlett Johansson, Louis Lombardi, Samuel L. Jackson, Arthur the Cat
Review: Evil personified? It is Samuel L. Jackson wearing a Nazi uniform, while delivering a smug monologue, and dissolving a cute fluffy kitten. I giggled until I couldn’t breathe. And I agree, Sam. Toilets are always funny.
Time: 13 seconds
Written by: Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen
Directed by: Oliver Megaton
Starring: Jason Statham, Robert Knepper, Natalya Rudakova, FranÃ§ois BerlÃ©and
Review: Anyone who goes to this movie and expects anything other than ridiculous stunts, fast chases, and insane hand to hand combat that usually winds up with Statham wearing less clothes, is severely disillusioned, and should probably wear a helmet. That being said, the movie sports its own brand of entertainment, and Knepper gets to carry on his tradition of being evil as hell, which he does better than any other. Over all, as with the other two, it’s great for action junkies, and no one else.
Time: 20 seconds
Written by: Paul Haggis, Neal Purvis and Robert Wade, based on the character created by Ian Fleming
Directed by: Marc Forster
Starring: Daniel Craig, Olga Kurylenko, Judi Dench, Mathieu Amalric, Giancarlo Giannini, Gemma Arterton, Jeffrey Wright, Jesper Christensen
Review: I’ve heard complaints from loyalists of the original bond movies that they miss all the outlandish gadgetry of the earlier films. I was one of many who were pleased by the new direction they took by taking the character back to the literary form, and everyone else seems to like it as well. I’m convinced you can’t have both, so I’m glad they made the right decision.
Written by: Paul W.S. Anderson, based on the screenplay by Robert Thorn and Charles B. Griffith
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring: Jason Statham, Joan Allen, Ian McShane, Tyrese Gibson, Natalie Martinez, and David Carradine
Review: From video game to movie to another video game, to yet another movie which shamelessly begs to be made into a video game. It seems like a circuitous exercise in pointlessness, but this installment pays out. There is enough splode to keep even me sated, and it’s even the creative kind of splode. Anyone can blow something up with grenades, but it takes an artist to do it with an ejector seat. Ian McShane steals the show for badassery, and the principal actors work well enough together so that you feel hatred seething from the screen, including the brilliant cinematography in a neck-snapping sequence. Hee.
Time: 23 seconds
Written by: Jonathan Nolan and Christopher Nolan, based on a story by David S. Goyer and Christopher Nolan, based on characters created by Bob Kane
Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Review: The best part of this movie wasn’t the fact that it was kickass in every way, or Heath Ledger‘s mythical performance as the Joker, and his “disappearing pencil” magic trick. It was the fact that I was sitting next to a five year old whose father obviously thought that a Batman movie would be perfectly safe for children. Ha. Chump. Now that child is traumatized forever. One more in the movie’s favor.
Time: 15 seconds Read More
Written by: Michael Brandt, Derek Haas & Chris Morgan, based on a story by Brandt & Haas, which was in turn based on the comic book series by Mark Millar & J.G. Jones
Directed by: Timur Bekmambetov
Starring: James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, Terence Stamp, Marc Warren, Common, and Thomas Kretschmann
Review: I’ve compared this movie to drowning in a spewing vat of molten awesome. Start with Matrix style action, then turn it over to Office Space. Then back to Matrix. They have bullets with separating sections like the space shuttle, and they have Morgan Freeman saying “Motherfucker.” Stay tuned for the Morgan Freeman/Sam Jackson Saying “Motherfucker” Cage Match! Place! Your! Bets!
Time: 15 seconds Read More
Written by: Zak Penn & Edward Norton
Directed by: Louis Leterrier
Starring: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt, Tim Blake Nelson
Review: This movie has gotten bad reviews from critics due to the lack of a worthy storyline and any deep character development. These people go to movies for different reasons than I do. The effects were quite nice, the splode was kickass, and the splode was kickass. Did I mention the splode? Well, I meant to. It was kickass.
Time: 16 seconds
Written by: Andrew Adamson & Christopher Markus, based on the novel by C.S. Lewis
Directed by: Andrew Adamson
Starring: Liam Neeson, Ben Barnes, Georgie Henley, Skander Keynes, William Moseley, Anna Popplewell, Peter Dinklage, Eddie Izzard, Sergio Castellitto
Review: NINJA FAUNS!!!!!!! VIOLENT MICE!!!!!!!!! FULL! AUTO! CATAPULTS!!!!!
Ahem. Sorry. There’s a story and stuff too. The four leads have improved, probably due to some much needed acting lessons. I’m sure the flow would be better if some scenes were kept in that we can assume were left out because they connected the plot points too well and took focus away from FULL AUTO CATAPULTS!!!!! Can I have one?
Time: 22 seconds
Written by: David Koepp, based on a story by George Lucas and Jeff Nathanson, which was in turn based on characters created by George Lucas and Philip Kaufman
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone
Review: I sprained my penis once….
This is worse.
Time: 6 seconds (due to painful reflective pause)