Wow, where to begin with Streets of Legend. The tagline really tells you anything you need to know: a saga of love, set among the romantic illegal street-racing "scene" of Los Angeles. Yes, anything that's called a "scene" is likely to be incredibly self-indulgent, irritating, and annoyingly self-referential, and this, boy howdy, does all three in spades. Alas, it does little else in spades. Except maybe suck. Something about male posturing, some girls wearing oddly little for non-hookers, and something else about … whatever. I mean, really, who cares? It's street-racing with lots of flashing neon and some horrible actors, all with a veneer of "wow, this is supposed to be exciting and illegal and wicked and stuff!" mixed with "Latino pride," when really you just want to give the girls a robe and send the boys off to the Queer Eye crew to learn at least a little something about not looking like an idiot. You want Latino goodness? Try something with a plot (and some action) like Carlito's Way or just a still shot of Eduardo Verástegui. You want action? Try Shoot 'Em Up, The Professional, or anything starring Jason Statham.

If you thought Gone in 60 Seconds was the best movie EVAR, but thought it needed more T&A, a less coherent plot, and a shallower philosophical base, and the third Highlander movie is the yardstick by which you judge all good cinema, then this might be for you. If, on the other hand, you actually like movies with a plot to go with those explosions, then you're better off with Live Free or Die Hard. Seriously. This thing won the award for "Best Cinematography" at the 2003 Sundance Film Festival, which makes me fear for the future. Apparently, all you need to win an award is to grossly overuse the "cutting edge" (read: cliché) fast-cut method, manage to keep the speakers in the frame, and occasionally turn your camera sideways.

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