Is anybody else on that list? You know: the mailing list where you get an endless wave of tacky, tacky catalogues filled with crap that, no matter how hard you soul search, you can't figure out what you bought that triggered your inclusion? Yeah. I'm on that list.

At least the catalogues can be entertaining. Take a look at this quilt that you can get personalized for your grandmother. It says "Grandma, whenever you touch this heart, you'll know that we love you." And inside the heart you can put names, presumably names of the grandchildren.

Now that might sound sweet. It might sound warm, even, and inviting. Like it's exactly the sort of thing you might want your grandmother to have across the back of her sofa. But not so fast.

Sure, it starts off innocently enough: she touches the heart, she knows you love her. But soon enough, when she's not touching the heart, what will she think? She'll find herself carrying the quilt about the house, ensuring that she's got at least a finger on the heart, because the quilt says that what she has to do to know for certain that you love her. Taking it to bed, taking it into the shower, taking it everywhere lest she doubt for a moment your love.

So is that what you want for your grandmother? Is it? To be a quilted heart junkie? You heartless bastards.

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