Theodore Rex (1995)
Film:
DVD:

Written & Directed by Jonathan R. Betuel
Starring Whoopi Goldberg, George Newbern, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Juliet Landau, Bud Cort

Features:

• Trailer
  
• Pick That Flick! game
  

Released by New Line Cinema
Rating: PG
Region: 1
Anamorphic: Yes.

My Advice: Avoid it.

It's the future. Most animals are extinct, but that's cool: Elizar Kane (Mueller-Stahl) is working on bringing all the lost beasties back. In fact, he's already created a number of intelligent anthropomorphic dinosaurs, who run amongst humans wearing sneakers and whatnot. In fact, his first creation, Teddy (voiced by Newbern), has a job with the "Grid Police," placed there to be an example of a harmony between the "scales" and the "softskins" which doesn't actually exist. Trouble is, Teddy wants in on the action, and specifically wants to get in on a case of dinocide. He eventually gets detective status (again, for merely political reasons) and finds as his partner the very reluctant Katie Coltrane (played by the very embarrassed Goldberg). Trouble is, can they work together well enough to crack the case before a mysterious plot to wipe out all life on the planet comes to fruition?

I think the best way to describe this is like a kiddie toy. One that doesn't have any really sharp edges. You know, like "My First Blade Runner", something like that. It is possibly the most misdirected film I've ever seen. You've got a guy in a rubber dinosaur suit acting funny and cracking probably some of the most unfunny jokes the planet has ever seen. They're so bad, in fact, you actually agree with the villain of the piece that humanity and everything else should be exterminated, if we actually collectively allow a film like this to be made. Anyway, cute anthro-dinos, right? Kids' stuff. Then you've got the William Gibson lite approach with the bodytight black suits, violence and the vague notion of wiping out everything and starting over. Not really kids' stuff. In fact, it'll probably disturb the kids who are young enough to laugh at Teddy farting in a closed elevator.

Also, this is obviously some kind of bizarre alternate future--but there's nothing but a quick intro to get you acclimated to anything. Suddenly at the beginning of the film, you're thrust into this reality with no attempt to justify it or explain it. Only later did I find out, "OH, that's where the dinos come from!" And worse, the identity of the villain is exposed in the intro scrolling up your screen, along with his entire plot of destruction. Maybe they figured they had no chance in hell of generating any suspense...so why pretend?

All of this could almost have been forgivable if the film had felt like something exclusively for kids--which it wasn't. Or if the writing had at least been permissible under the Geneva Convention. Teddy comes into a scene and immediately starts doing bad impersonations of movie stars. Um...why? No idea.

The disc itself has nothing in the way of features to talk about. The trailer, which is laughable--and not in a good way, is provided. So is a marketing gimmick disguised as a DVD player game--"Pick That Flick," which is lamentably a bad idea. Wouldn't it have been nice to have had Betuel on hand to explain himself? Or Goldberg to tell the whole sorry story of how she got trapped in this flick to begin with (and right after Ghost, too)?

Alas, there is nothing. If you need fodder for your next MST3K party, you've got it, though.