Ladies and gentlemen, now presenting...um...Widgett Walls...?

Okay, so it's like this.

This is not usually my schtick. The whole reason I've given Tobias and Tuffley this pulpit is simply because I don't have time to go spouting my own thoughts on the comic book industry. I'd love to, but I'm just tapped.

However, since they've both delivered their own ideas for the state of the industry and what needs fixing, it was clear I would have to step in and give my own version of a solution. After an extended and delirious conversation with Tobias, I'm convinced that since the retro titles that we've seen sprouting up have been so popular--we should see the past as something to strip mine like crazy.

We have only begun to scratch the surface of nostalgia. Let's do a little slash and burn, come on--why not?

And to make this even easier--I've even included some ideas that came out of that conversation with Tobias, ready to be digested by the various companies. So--again, no charge--Needcoffee.com comes through with brilliant ideas that just need to be executed.

Enjoy.

The creative duo of Loeb & Sale have apparently made a franchise out of taking an origin story, wrapping it in a bit of the present, and then sticking a color after the title. First there was Daredevil, then Spidey, and coming soon is The Hulk. So why not let them take on these Saturday morning cartoon favorites in two individual six-part series? Can't you see a Sale-drawn Gargamel and Azrael cover? You know you want it. And what's a bonus, this is just the prelude to...

A Marvel MAX Title from Bart Sears, the genius who brought you the aborted post-Blade movie Blade. Let him write and draw the thing, so that everybody looks really, really greasy all the time. I can see the press release now. "We're going for a real 'Shadow Over Innsmouth' feel with this title," says Joe Quessiah. "Snorks rising up in the middle of the night to drag little blue guys to their deaths. And when the traitor smurf is finally revealed, you're not going to smurfing believe it!" Oh, and J. Scott Campbell covers too. What a deal.

Another MAX title, this time from writing god Brian Michael Bendis and rising star Jim Mahfood. I mean, we've seen what Bendis can do with Shang-Chi--but forget that wannabe. Imagine returning to old school canine kung phoo mayhem, with that adult twist. I mean, you've always wanted to see the number one superguy say the F word and make it with hookers. Admit it.

From Oni Press comes this revamp of the 60's character you love: Secret Agent 000. And who better to bring this sucker to the page but Queen and Country scribe Greg Rucka? And who better to draw the thing but every-once-in-a-while New X-Men artist Frank Quitely? Granted, SS' face looks about the right width for Quitely's style, so it's a perfect fit. Throw on an alternate cover painted by David Mack and let's do that thing. Oh, and Morocco Mole is a heroin junkie who gets an intervention around issue #6.

Over at DC Vertigo, the Shirt Tales are back--reimagined as a group of gritty crime investigators with their own special brand of divining the solutions: strange cryptic drug-induced messages that appear on the shirts. The Dream Team behind this book are Brian Azzarello (whose twists and turns make 100 Bullets a winner each month) and Glenn Fabry (whose interior work recently graced the inside of Authority: Kev). One of the members goes rabid within the second story arc and must be replaced by a talking wharf rat named Guapo. Quality, people. That's quality.

A four-issue Marvel Knights book from the team of Grant Morrison (who gave us Fantastic Four 1 2 3 4) and Jae Lee. I'm talking Jae Lee going back to his roots, that "God, I want to be Bill Sienkiewicz" style of his that made many a cover of Namor look like...well, a Rorschach inkblot. Catchum Crocodile is finally out of prison and he has a plan to take down his former happy enemies one by one, by playing off of their flaws--which have only gotten more refined as time has passed. You've not lived till you've seen Montgomery Moose selling his plasma to get money for booze.

From the people who brought you Lazarus Churchyard (Warren Ellis & D'Israeli) comes this revamp of a series that now becomes the pseudo-drug-induced weirdfest that the Kroffts couldn't bear to completely realize. With Benita Bizarre on her deathbed, the Bugaloos would seem to have all their troubles behind them--but Benita's granddaughter, the cybernetic Britney Bizarre, is set to storm the rock charts. In fact, she's already seduced poor Sparky. When the hallucinogens start flowing, you know it's going to get good. It's going to make City of Silence look like Top Dog. Covers by Paul Pope.

Bill Rosemann brings you a gritty yet humorous look at the recording industry when the Chipmunks get big again and dump Dave for a Hunter S. Thompson-inspired new manager. Told from Dave's perspective as he tries to get his boys back before they drown in a sea of cocaine and hookers, it completes complete with Joe Quessiah covers and interior art by Alex Maleev.

I tried to think of a place to use Mark Millar--since he thinks big. Then it hit me--take the Pack and throw in Authority/Ultimates-level fight scenes...yeah, you know it's choice. But then, to keep that kooky feel--give it to Mike Allred to illustrate. It's the Pack versus O.G.R.E, just like before--but with whole cities being destroyed. And just imagine a series of covers like The Ultimates...done by not Bryan Hitch of course, but Dan Brereton, all featuring Frankie, Drak Jr. and Howler. Then Count Dracula and others. Nice portait action right before the pop culture references and destruction begins.

Okay, now this is some great shit here: in the tradition of Tomorrow Stories, it's an anthology of those arcade-inspired cartoons...you know, like Pitfall Harry, Frogger, Space Ace. The works. Put Judd Winick on writing duties, rotating three characters and storylines in each issue--and then get a stable of artists to bring the stuff to life. Imagine Donkey Kong Jr. handled by Peter Kuper, for example, or Q*Bert by Kyle Baker, or a wildly violent Kangaroo done by Steve Dillon. Dammit, I know you're salivating.

Remember we said Hitch earlier? Why didn't we have Hitch destroying some Drak art, huh? Because we were saving Hitch for the pulse-pounding action of Mr. T cracking some heads. Throw Kevin Smith on scribe duties too, and Hitch can easily handle this AND Ultimates since Smith covers up 60% of the page with captions and thought balloons. What a deal. And when Jeff (you remember--the kid who was aping everything T did) goes rogue and the gang has to bring him down, it's gonna be some amazing action. Then in the second story arc watch T and the T Force take down terrorists and mourn something or another in this pulse-pounding 9/11 tribute series that kicks ass! I mean, it's at Marvel, so it has to have 9/11 in it. That's an editorial rule. Damn, I can't wait.

Give this to Walt Simonson to write and draw, so he can finally get the Rainbow Bridge back.

Alan Moore can do this in his sleep--just adapt all the Supreme stuff he never got a chance to use with Rob Liefeld doing the art. Can you imagine Underdog covers by Alex Ross? Wonder who he'll use as a model, though.

I was going to say that Neil Gaiman & Jill Thompson should handle this, but I can see that actually working and being cool--so I'm going to shut up now.

-Widge