The 13th Warrior (1999)

Directed by Michael Crichton & John McTiernan
Written by Warren Lewis & William Wisher, based on the novel Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton
Starring Antonio Banderas, Dennis Storhøi, Vladimir Kulich, Diane Verona, Omar Sharif

My Advice: Wait and Rent It.

Ibn (Banderas) is a poet and an Arab gentleman, who happens to attract the eye of the wrong woman.  This wrong woman's husband doesn't like the thought of his wife lusting after Zorro, so he uses his connections to get Ibn sent to the north as an ambassador to the denizens there, the Northmen (but of course).  However, no sooner does he show up and try to make contact than he finds himself roped in with a band of twelve other warriors.  They're on their way to assist a king against a band of unknown attackers who come out of the mist, slaughter their foes, and...dine on the remains.

Now if this sounds familiar, don't panic.  You may not have read Eaters of the Dead, the novel upon which this was based, but chances are that somewhere back in the dim recesses of your mind where your old English classes are stored, you have a memory of reading Beowulf.  Both film and novel are homages to the ancient epic, complete with men dying and living with honor, slaying beasts, and basically a lot of guys on horseback riding around wearing chain mail.  And it's a beautiful film, with Joseph Menzies working overtime to show you beautiful green vistas with all of the metal-on-metal gusto that a film like this can deliver.

Unfortunately, between that and making me pine for The Fellowship of the Ring movie, this film really is just nice to look at.  And that's about all.  It's certainly not the cast's fault--Banderas is in fine form as the Ibn-out-of-water, Storhøi plays his friend and confidant with bravado and finesse, and Kulich...is one big guy.  Damn.  All of the warriors, though we don't really get to know them other than their occupations and perhaps their weapon specialties, are engaging to watch.  It's just that...you're either caught between nothing happening for long scenes of beautiful vista watching, or things happen and are never followed up on.  The big general plot might be wrapped up, but the subplots that might have added some buoyancy to a generally sparse story are introduced then ignored.  A prince who conspires to turn the situation to his advantage, a girl that Ibn becomes involved with, even the friendships created amongst the warriors over the course of the film seem to have no closure whatsoever, and are dropped to the side either in ignorant screenwriting or more likely in ignorant editing.

If you're a Banderas fan or just love big-ass swords going haywire on people, then see this as a matinee.  Anyone else will do just fine on the small screen.