Normally, this column appears on Mondays. Or right after midnight Tuesday morning, if my Monday has been particularly mind-boggling. I took last week off partly because I felt like I needed to recharge my stockpile of vitriol and partly because, being on vacation, I woke up on Thursday and said, "What day is it?" I was going to just let this partial holiday week peter out, but this can't wait until this coming Monday. I've got to get this out now.

My international readers will please, at this point, just sit back and giggle a bit. I will be talking to the people here in the U.S. I have had an apostrophe, and I wish to share it with all of you. Bear with me as I provide back story.

It recently came to light that people who didn't have the testicular fortitude to make it through high school now have another option open to them other than making fries or manual labor. They can now, according to the brand spanking new Transportation Security Administration, have an entire nation's aviation infrastructure on their shoulders.

Let me say that again.

People who couldn't pass the wretched public schools (I'm generalizing--if your school is marvelous, I'm not talking about yours. Don't e-mail me.) in this country are going to be able to keep their jobs checking your luggage and your person at airports across the country.

Now, two things. This is not a change from the way things were pre-9/11--and yes, no security screeners have been shown to have done anything wrong on 9/11--but the federalization of said positions was going to fix everything, so we were told. And of course, we, the American public, were played as chumps.

This is not a pre-9/11 world. And anyone who says, "Oh, stuff hasn't changed, not really" simply hasn't been paying attention. Pre-9/11 we didn't have every little security blip setting off the shutting down of airports. These days all it takes is one person bolting through security and a hub airport is closed for hours. And that backs up stuff all over the continent. One person can disrupt the entire country. And you thought it was just the hackers.

Now, you're saying: "Widge, you had this apostrophe, you said. Like lightning, striking your brain." Very true. When I considered what a no-brainer it is to get quality people manning airport security, I began to think: what are their motives, really? Then it hit me.

It's a conspiracy. No, not a conspiracy to create more federal workers who of course couldn't survive in the private sector worth a damn. No, see, that's TOO easy. I think it's a conspiracy on the part of the bus and train transportation industries in this country.

No. Stop laughing. The airline industry has been rocking and rolling for far too long. Meanwhile buses are, in the public mindset at least, relegated to those travelers who are poor and don't mind sitting next to some unwashed guy in a tanktop for twelve hours. And trains--hell, I can't tell you the last time I've actually seen a passenger car on a train. The government's having to prop up Amtrak. They need more permanent solutions.

Thus, the conspiracy says that you make the airlines ripe for disaster and eventually, people will get wary and move to other means of travel. Like buses and trains.

Now I know what you're thinking: buses have been hijacked. Trains have too. But it's all a setup. They can't have perfect records. Perfect, squeaky clean records are suspicious. Now they're just tainted enough to seem above reproach.

See if there aren't more people taking alternate means of transport as time goes on. See if this and other moronic decisions don't erode the already in-trouble airline industry. All we need are some transcontinental bullet trains in this country and sweat in Delta board meetings will make the conference room look like it's in the middle of monsoon season.

Now ask yourself--which is less absurd: my notion, or that the people who can't make exact change after you've handed them money for your chicken nuggets might be the ones keeping you safe from whackos smuggling conventional weaponry and exploding James Bond-esque sneakers?

Be good.

=Widge