Well, I’m not in a position to record an audio rant today, so we’ll give Cat and Tobias the week off. Besides, it’s been so long since I actually wrote out one of these things, it’ll probably be good for me--*koffkoffkoff*.

Okay, so box office. First of all, here’s your happy chart to refer to.

Dig that crazy Steve Martin/Queen Latifah duo. Three weeks at number one--who woulda thunk that? Nice and soldily profitable--I’m sure there’s a sequel already being greenlighted somewhere. 26% drop? Christ, that’s impressive.

Dreamcatcher. Box Office Mojo had a good point--if you haven’t read the book (like yours truly), does anybody have any idea what the hell this film is supposed to be about? It seems like some strange conglom of The Thing and Outbreak…and with all that Native American mumbo-jumbo, maybe The Manitou as well--hell, I don’t know. Regardless, #2 showing there with only $15M. Ah well.

Cody Banks will make up anything it lacks in box office when it hits video--which at the rate these things are hitting shelves will be in two weeks. View From the Top debuts at #4--which makes sense, since what I thought was supposed to be a Gwyneth-led all-female comedy ensemble instead was played as Mike Myers’ going berserk. And I guess everybody wants that in Shrek 2--because they certainly didn’t come out to this one.

Hunted is in the hole, Chicago continues to make money hand over fist (the Oscar wins last night will assuredly get the stragglers out to see it). Piglet opens with $6M, but it’s not like it really cost anything. Tears continues to make Joe Roth shed some of his own.

Anyway, enough of that.

Let’s talk Post-Oscar Madness, shall we?

Well, my performance was freaking abysmal, so we won’t even go into that. Primarily it’s because I didn’t take the subject matter of The Pianist into serious enough account. Note: it’s not that I didn’t take the film into account, it’s just that I neglected to consider how the weighty subject matter will win awards where the film does not deserve them.

For example, did you catch Dustin Hoffman’s introduction to the film’s nominaton? I think we saw different films. I saw a litany of human misery punctuated by misdirected attempts to emotionally connect to a character and a wonderfully human moment that was drowned as a child and not allowed to fully bloom. Brody probably deserved the Best Actor award simply for being able to salvage a performance out of such a wretched script (although for having the sheer balls to plant one on Berry upon getting up to the podium--respect, my man, respect). Again, I point to Shine as a perfect example of how you can establish not only a character--but also an emotional attachment to said character. That way you’re, you know, affected by what happens to them.

Polanski gave us what--I assume--is a pretty faithful and literal adaptation of Szpilman’s memoir, but it’s not a very good film. Which is troubling, considering, you know, that Polanski was there when these events were happening.

Regardless, the attention paid to Pianist is only further proof that the methodology behind how to make an effective biopic is dying. See A Beautiful Mind for Exhibit CC.

The award for Frida (there was no Makeup Category this year as far as I’m concerned) was a surprise--although I haven’t seen the film, I have listened to the score and Glass’ is superior.

Spirited Away--another surprise. It did get more play being under the Disney banner, but I never expected an artistically interesting film to beat out a popular piece of shite.

Last two bits--amazed and pleased that Eminem won for Best Song. And further intrigued that Almodovar won screenplay--apparently, they wanted to give him something but still wanted to hand Polanski a Best Director statue he didn’t deserve.

Beyond that, Michael Moore is a raving loon who’s basically going to get the Gere treatment next time around. And Steve Martin gets huge points for keeping everything light, even with a boob like Moore going off. Martin always hosts like there’s no chance in hell he’ll ever host again--which is the best way, I would assume.

All in all, it was your typical Oscar morass. A lot of it could be predicted, there was a little bit up in the air, and a whole lot of people who didn’t deserve to walked away with statues. I’m neither pleased nor displeased because it’s kind of hard to get too worked up about something that’s pretty meaningless anyway. It’s just an excuse to get together and bitch and moan about films.

Which is pretty much what I do instead of having a life. Let that be my character note.

Be good.