Do you ever get that feeling?

No, not that feeling. The other feeling. You know, the one where you're convinced the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket? We've got nuclear nations posturing and going apeshit, we've got anthrax mailers out there somewhere still licking envelopes for all we know, and we've got people actually wondering what should be done with traitors.

Well, the Widgeman feels your pain. This is a confusing, anxious time. And I'm here to provide you with some points of reference to stay sane. Some things to bear in mind, you know, maybe give some of my patented, life-affirming perspective. I tried to sit back and think of four, just four, big things that help to ease my over-developed sense of reality. And now, I want to share them with you. Sit back and let me soothe your frazzled nerves, here's my advice.

#1. Stop worrying about Sulayman Al-Lindh. Who? That's right, you probably know him as John Walker. He's the American who joined the Taliban and committed treason. Walker is what the media insist on calling him since, like many other defenders of Islam he's reneged on the whole martyrdom thing. Funny about that, isn't it? It's one thing to posture in the desert, but suddenly your bluff is called and you're running. Now, a lot of people are concerned because they think Sulayman's going to get off. Let me clue you in on a little secret. Even if he's not summarily executed, and he comes back to the U.S....who's going to be on his side but his family and the lawyers paid to defend him? We don't even let Berkeley get off for being dickheads, you think we're going to give that shaggy traitor the time of day? If he survives six months as a civilian again, he's going to be like O.J., a laughing stock TV movie of the week. Sit down next to Buttafuoco and be quiet, Sula.

#2. It could be worse. At least you're not Yasser Arafat. When was the last time an entire nation called you irrelevant? That's got to suck. In front of the entire world, you're called a joke by a sovereign nation. Officially. I'm just considered an unofficial joke by most, but this takes the cake: "You're a joke and not worth talking to any longer." Sorry if I linger on this for a few sentences more, but--let's face it, we've all had some significant other say that to us on the way out the door. But an official statement from a government? Suck factor is high in the Arafat household.

#3. You have a life. What do you mean you don't? Think about it. You could be one of the people who have nothing better to do but complain about Christmas decorations, since they might offend someone. Or Santa Claus might offend somebody. Is there anything less offensive than freaking Santa Claus? I've determined that I'm offended by people who are easily offended. Now who do I register my complaints with? Do these people even have jobs?

#4. Stop watching the news. Or at least just check it once a day. It's all entertainment anyway. Every once in a while I have to make the rounds here at SDI and ensure that people aren't overdoing it. Check a couple of news websites and call it good. Talking heads should stay in your CD collection, not on your television set.

Be good.

=Widge