Written by: Patrick Massett, Simon West & John Zinman, based on a story by Michael Colleary & Mike Werb, based on the video game published by Eidos Interactive Directed by: Simon West Starring: Angelina Jolie, Iain Glen, Noah Taylor, Chris Barrie, Jon Voight
My Advice: Wait for MST3K
Lara Croft (Jolie) is a badass. She whomps killer robots, she wields handguns from hell like nobody’s business, and she has huge…….tracts of land. She’s essentially Indiana Jones‘ lost sister. But her past comes back to haunt her, as clues her father (Jolie’s real life father, Voight) left for her to find come to light. You see, there’s a shadowy group of conspirators who have been waiting five thousand years for a conjunction of all nine planets as well as a solar eclipse. It’s at this time that an ancient device can be found and used for good…or EVIL. Moohoohahaha.
Written by: Skip Woods Directed by: Dominic Sena Starring: John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Don Cheadle, Vinnie Jones
My Advice: Matinee.
Gabriel (Travolta) is a man with a mission. Suffice to say that mission involves a lot of guns, cigars, high speed chases, and Halle Berry topless. But of course, those are the elements of all good missions. Anyway, the one thing this mission is lacking is a world-class hacker. Gabriel finds one in Stanley (Jackman), a burnt-out computer cowboy with an ex-wife and a daughter living in stepfatherly hell. Gabriel has something up his sleeve you see, and it involves a lot of money and an intricate plan to get at it. Hot on the trail of everybody is Agent Roberts (Cheadle). And of course, Vinnie Jones is quickly becoming the Danny Trejo of the next millennium.
Written & Directed by: Steve Gordon Starring: Dudley Moore, Liza Minelli, John Gielgud, Geraldine Fitzergerald, Ted Ross
“Behind the Scenes” information
Released by: Warner Brothers Region: 1 Rating: PG Anamorphic: Hell no.
My Advice: Avoid it because of the crappy DVD presentation.
Arthur Bach (Moore) is a millionaire playboy. He’s also a drunk and an embarrassment to his family. Constantly going out at night, picking up hookers and bringing them home to his stately manor–he keeps winding up in the papers. It’s only through the efforts of his manservant Hobson (Gielgud) that you imagine he’s survived this long. But hey, he’s enjoying life, he’s about to get married to a wonderfully rich girl, and he’s got fifty pairs of short pants hanging in his closet. What could possibly go wrong? Well, he just might slip up and fall in love with the wrong girl for his family, but the right one for him.
Written & Directed by: Guy Ritchie Starring: Nick Moran, Jason Flemyng, Jason Statham, Dexter Fletcher, Vinnie Jones
U.S. & U.K. theatrical trailers
Cast & crew bios
Cockney rhyming dictionary
Released by: Universal Region: 1 Rating: R Anamorphic: No
My Advice: Rent it.
It seemed like the perfect plan. Four friends decide to pool their resources and give the card playing prodigy among them, Eddie (Moran), the chance to win at high stakes poker. Unfortunately, like most perfect plans, the thing goes right into the toilet, threatening to drag all four of them down, taking Eddie’s dad (Sting) and most of the neighborhood with them.
Written by: Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Roger S.H. Schulman & Joe Stillman, based on the book by William Steig Directed by: Andrew Adamson & Vicky Jenson Starring: Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, John Lithgow
My Advice: Matinee
Shrek (voiced by Myers) is an ogre who lives a pretty good life. He has his own swamp to live in, mud to wash himself with, and villagers to terrify. Farquaad (voiced by Lithgow) is lord of the nearby lands, and wants to create the perfect realm for himself. In order to do so, he forces all of the fairytale creatures out, relocating them right onto Shrek’s doorstep. Now all Farquaad needs is a bride, and guess who shows up in time to strike a deal to get him one?
Developer: Croteam Publisher: Gathering of Developers Platform: Win 95/98/Me ESRB Rating: M (Blood & Gore, Violence)
First off, don’t worry if you haven’t played the first Serious Sam. I hadn’t and it’s not necessary. Second, while it’s called Serious Sam, the game is in fact, very silly. The chainsaw-wielding maniacs with jack-o-lantern heads are a big clue. There is a plot, but it’s not that important to your gaming experience. You’re killing alien invaders in pre-Columbian South America, ancient Babylon, and medieval Europe. And killing lots and lots of alien baddies. Did I mention the killing?
On paper, Serious Sam 2 sounds like another Duke Nukem clone. Clearing levels of bad guys, picking up keys, ammo, and power ups, and taking out the boss creature at the end while talking trash. However, within that formula the development team from Croatia (yes, Croatia, really) has worked in a lot of originality and style. The enemies have definite attack strategies that require the player to use the various moves and weapons available. And their design runs the gamut from silly (the above mentioned pumpkin-headed maniacs with chainsaws) to the scary (bigass demons that toss massive fireballs at you).