Directed by Rob Bowman Written by Chris Carter & Frank Spotnitz Starring David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Martin Landau, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Blythe Danner
My Advice: Wait for Cable.
It is my sincere hope that someday, thirty years or so in the future, when Hollywood gets around to doing a remake of The X-Files movie (which you know they will), they make one better than this turned out to be. Basically, hardcore X-Philes should catch a matinee and have a blast, but anyone else should stay away. Before I start ranting, here’s the synopsis: Agents Mulder and Scully (Duchovny and Anderson, respectively) run around and investigate weird goings-on for the FBI (or rather, despite the FBI). Their project (“The X-Files,” it’s called, natch) has recently been shut down and they’ve been relegated to an FBI office in Dallas. There they stumble onto a bomb threat, which leads them deeper into the conspiracy they’ve known was going on all along.
Written and Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson Starring John C. Reilly, Julianne Moore, Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Jason Robards
My Advice: Wait for Cable.
Paul Thomas Anderson begins his opus with an interesting postulation. All of those urban legends (or are they? Hmmm…) that you’ve no doubt gotten in your in-basket more than once–the unlucky scuba diver and the unlucky victim of a murder turned suicide–they may be strange and weird, but they happen all the time. So how weird can they be? This is what the narrator presents us with before Anderson introduces us to a veritable slew of different characters. What they all have in common is that they are miserable and their parents more than likely screwed up their lives. We deal with their crap for two and a half hours. And they all sing a song together…don’t ask. And then the really weird thing happens, which I won’t spoil for you, because it and Tom Cruise the two interesting things in this art-wank festival.
Written and Directed by Anthony Minghella, based on the novel by Patricia Highsmith Starring Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Cate Blanchett
My Advice: Wait and rent it.
Tom Ripley (Damon) is a nobody living in a sub-basement apartment, until the day he’s mistaken for a schoolmate of Dickie Greenleaf’s (Law) by Dickie’s father (James Rebhorn). Dickie apparently is living the bohemian life over in Italy, playing at being a musician, and also playing at being a boyfriend to the lovely Marge Sherwood (Paltrow). Tom’s well-paid assignment is to go to Europe and convince Dickie to come home and presumably take up the family steel business. But Dickie has no intention of doing so, and contrives with his newfound chameleon friend Tom to wring more money from his father. In the meantime, Tom has found that he really likes Dickie’s lifestyle, not to mention Dickie himself, to an obsessive perhaps unhealthy degree.
Written and Directed by: Frank Darabont, based on the novel by Stephen King Starring: Tom Hanks, David Morse, Michael Clarke Duncan, James Cromwell, Michael Jeter
My Advice: Matinee
Paul Edgecomb (Dabbs Greer) is an old man with a strange past, which gives him plenty of sleepless nights. When he finally begins to crack a bit about the edges, his friend Elaine (Eve Brent) becomes concerned, so he finally unburdens his tale upon her. It so happens that during the Depression, when Paul was younger (Hanks), he was a prison guard on death row. This particular row was known as The Green Mile. His life, and the life of his co-workers, is changed forever when a hulking giant of a man, John Coffey (Duncan), is brought in for execution.
Add another title to the list of good King cinematic adaptations. In fact, were it not for the attention the novel garnered when it was first published in serialized form, this would surprise the same cinemagoers who could not believe King brought us the basis for Stand By Me and Shawshank Redemption. It’s so unlike him, they would say… not an undead shambling thing to be found. Well, surprise and get over it. King is a masterful storyteller, and when his game is on… it is on with a vengeance, no matter the subject.
Written by: Harris Goldberg & Rob Schneider Directed by: Mike Mitchell Starring: Rob Schneider, Arija Bareikis, Oded Fehr, Richard Riehle, Eddie Griffin
My Advice: Wait for MST3K.
Deuce Bigalow (Schneider) is a loser. He gets fired from his job cleaning fish tanks at the aquarium because for some reason he enjoys removing algae from tanks while he’s nude. The young lady at his local fish shoppe won’t go out with him. And if he didn’t have enough cards stacked against him, he’s played by Rob Schneider. He gets a chance at something different though when he falls in with a gigolo (Fehr), who gets paid to give pleasure to women. When said gigolo goes out of town, Deuce takes over his life and proceeds to try to give out some pleasure of his own.
He certainly gives no pleasure to his audience. Let me ask you something. If you were at a family reunion or something, and suddenly somebody walked in and said, “Look, everyone! Feces!”, would you roar with laughter or wonder where Uncle Frank left his medication? The reason I ask is that, as Spinal Tap so aptly put it, there’s a fine line between stupid and clever. Clever lowbrow humor is, for example, the South Park flick. Stupid lowbrow humor is this film, where it seems they merely made a list of every possible bit regarding human waste, nipples, sex, and fat women – and strung them together without bothering to ask, “Is this funny?” No, it’s not funny. I remember chuckling to myself about three times. The rest of the time I was thinking, “This got financing?”
Written by: Andrew W. Marlowe Directed by: Peter Hyams Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne, Robin Tunney, Kevin Pollak, Rod Steiger
My Advice: Wait for cable.
Jericho Cane (Schwarzenegger) is a man with a problem. Not only is he depressed and suicidal, but he really wishes he could pull off the scene where he wants to kill himself as good as Mel Gibson did in Lethal Weapon, but he can’t–which makes him even more depressed. He only thought he was having a bad day, because his buddy and partner is Kevin Pollak, who immediately upstages him and continues to do so in pretty much every scene. To make matters worse, Satan comes to New York City looking for not only a good lay (Tunney) but also an actor worthy of playing him (Byrne), whom he promptly possesses. Then, for no particular reason, Cane and partner go to work protecting Byrne-Satan, and then leave their client and job to chase after a would-be assassin, again for no particular reason. And of course, this leads them into a world that they never knew existedâ€”action movie hell.
Written by Andrew Kevin Walker, based on a story by Andrew Kevin Walker & Kevin Yagher, which was based on the story “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” by Washington Irving Directed by Tim Burton Starring Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, Miranda Richardson, Michael Gambon, Christopher Walken
My Advice: Matinee.
Ichabod Crane (Depp) is a constable with roots in science and logic. He really isn’t fond of his peers and supervisors with their inquisitional ways and toys. The Burgomaster (Christopher Lee), sick of Crane’s whining, sends him upstate to the town of Sleepy Hollow. Apparently, this little burg has a bit of a problem. You see, a headless Hessian soldier (Walken) appears to be still walking (and riding) aroundâ€”and taking the heads of others. Crane is certain it’s all superstition, and resolves to find the earthly hand that’s causing the murders.
Written by: Michael Mann & Eric Roth, based on the Vanity Fair article “The Man Who Knew Too Much” Directed by: Michael Mann Starring: Al Pacino, Russell Crowe, Christopher Plummer, Diane Venora, Philip Baker Hall
My Advice: Don’t miss it.
Dr. Jeffrey Wigand (Crowe) has information that the tobacco companies don’t want shared. Lowell Bergman (Pacino) is a 60 Minutes producer who runs across Wigand almost by accident when trying to get some scientific cigarette jargon translated into English. But Wigand is itching to tell somebody what he knows. And Bergman wants it on 60 Minutes. And the tobacco companies want Wigand to shut the hell up. Conflict ensues? You betcha.
It’s refreshing to see a film that shows as heroes people who don’t have noserings, don’t have children with seventeen women, and don’t blow things up. Those things have their place in the cinematic spectrum, but they’re workaday now. It’s just nice to see a movie about real people. And “heroes” is perhaps too strong a word, when you consider that it carries with it connotations of being better than others. The two protagonists of this film aren’t necessarily better than anyone else; they just try to do what they think is the right thing. Even the character of Mike Wallace (a fantastic Christopher Plummer), who some thought would be portrayed in a bad light, is simply portrayed in a realistic light. The flaws are all there, for everyone involved, and to see all of their motivations running rampant over one another makes for an extremely engaging film.
Directed by Spike Jonze Written by Charlie Kaufman Starring John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Keener, John Malkovich, Orson Bean
My Advice: Don’t Miss It.
Craig (Cusack) is a puppeteer in a market that won’t support his artwork. Convinced by his wife, Lotte (Diaz), a Doctor Dolittle wannabe, to go get a job, he encounters Maxine (Keener). He finds himself inexplicably drawn to Maxine, but she won’t have anything to do with him. At least, until he finds a small door in their office building that leads intoâ€¦John Malkovich.
When I first wrote up a page draft on Corona for this film back in December of last year, I figured it would make a nice little art house weirdie if it ever really honestly got made. Even then, production was probably finished, but I couldn’t believe it. What I got, almost a year later, is nothing short of the strangest film I have seen, easily in a decade, possibly ever. And here’s the best part–it’s also a masterpiece. Kaufman and Jonze have managed to craft a film that throws pretty much everything up in the air: psychology, personal and sexual identity, artistic satisfaction. You name it, it’s probably in there somewhere. With plenty to offer in the way of bizarrerie–such as the offices on a building’s 7 1/2th floor to the question of what the New Jersey turnpike really means in a metaphysical sense–it’s got plenty to please those of us who are fans of the surreal yet while keeping enough farcical humor on hand to keep the “normals” in their seats.
Written by: Jim Uhls, based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk Directed by: David Fincher Starring: Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf, Jared Leto
My Advice: Don’t miss it.
The narrator (Norton) of our story has a bit of a problem. He seems to be caught in a sleepless life-crippling malaise that threatens his spiritual well-being. In other words, he can’t get no satisfaction. Out of the drab void that surrounds him steps Tyler Durden (Pitt), a very strange man who sells soap. After even stranger circumstances leave the two rooming together, Durden suggests that they, just for a lark, try pounding the shit out of each other. And they actually like it. It makes them feel alive. This thing they’ve started doing for kicks strikes a chord in other men, too, because by the time the narrator turns around they’ve got spectators, then more participants, and then Tyler starts to draw up the rules…