There are some wonderful things in the world. Lots of them, in fact. And when they get together, generally, it’s cause for celebration. That’s why I feel helplessly drawn to anything that uses both “coffee” and “energy beverage” to describe itself. Hence, when I saw Full Throttle had a new Coffee line of drinks, I was all over it. I snagged a sample of all three flavors: dulce de leche/caramel, mocha and vanilla. In theory, it should be a match made in heaven. Skim milk, so it’s not too fattening (we don’t want to think about this too much–bear in mind I drank all three of these damn things). Real sugar. All three come with ginseng, guarana extract, and 200% of your RDA for both B6 and niacin.
So what’s the result? Odd. First, they’re incredibly sweet tasting. To the point where you keep checking: this is sugar, right? Then you lay down on top of that the respective flavoring for the three variations and that is the second taste you’re hit with. And those two things are overwhelming to the point where I honestly couldn’t tell you if the coffee bit was any good or not. It’s like the coffee is an afterthought.
Those of you who enjoy walking up to a soda fountain in a convenience store and creating your own Frankendrink comprised of a little of this and a little of that–prepare for your heads to explode. Coke is doing what amounts to alpha-testing this summer–and will beta test the first part of next year–fountains that have a hundred drink choices in them. “The new dispenser works by using highly-concentrated ingredient packs that are about as easy to change as print cartridges.”
Basically this will allow for Coke to have every single damn drink they sell in one machine, from Zero Coke drinks to Fanta to regular unleaded Coke, and leave room for energy drinks and a slew of other possibilities. If Coke were smart, they would give one to me to test, because if I can’t break the thing, you know it’s golden.
And perhaps you’ve already considered this–and perhaps your mind is still reeling from the possibilities of this new device–but am I the only one who wants to knock back a “highly-concentrated ingredient pack” to see what happens?
Because some things you simply need to know. And why should you have no lives and read dozens of websites to know what’s what? We’re taking this one for the team.
That’s right. You still haven’t offered up Coca-Cola Prime like I told you to. And this year you apparently didn’t make enough kosher Coke because I couldn’t find any in the wild during the whole of Passover. So look what you made me do. You made buy some imported Coke just to get a taste of Coke without high fructose corn syrup. You silly bastards. I hope you’re happy. You’re lucky Pepsi tastes like stale Coke, otherwise I’d switch to Pepsi Raw and leave you behind.
Okay, so sometimes I think of things that I can’t possibly use and nobody seems to know how I get paid for having thoughts like this, so here you go: free idea for whoever and I get this out of my head.
I started thinking about an ad campaign for Rockstar Energy Drink, distributed in some areas by Coca-Cola. A series of five 60-second internet commercials that either appear as video ads or you stick them on YouTube and try to get them viral. They tell an ongoing story about the P.S.I., the Party Scene Investigation squad. They are a group of stiff, very serious government agent types are constantly one step behind another group of party goers, who are having a good time acting up and living life to the fullest–fueled of course by Rockstar Energy Drinks of various flavors.
With the PSI’s involvement they’re treating the scene of each party like a crime scene. Using detectors to look for remnants of Rockstar, or empty cans, like a strange cross between Men in Black and CSI.
At the end of the series, it’s revealed that a well-known rock star (which in my head is Steve Tyler of Aerosmith–we’d have to have a Revolution X joke in there somewhere) is behind the PSI, trying to stop the party. Because after all, if anybody can party like a rock star, whatâ€™s the point in actually being a rock star?
First commercial follows and is not formatted properly as a script would be because WordPress works hell on tabs.
We’ve all grown with Christmas commercials. And some people try to tinkle on everybody’s parade by going on and on about how Christmas is too commercialized and it’s just a ruse to get everybody to spend lots of money on other people, most of which they can’t really stand.
And…well, they’re right. But some of us have accepted that and gotten over it. In fact, we rather enjoy it. So you can go pretend to have your spiritually nuturing holiday season over there. Over here we’re going to get our retro geek capitalist fix.
Thus, our Top 10 list of Christmas Commercials. Enjoy.
10. Anytime you can have John Houseman acting opposite an animatronic toy, you’ve got gold:
Update: Sadly, the Teddy Ruxpin/John Houseman commercial has been taken down. If somebody finds it again, please let me know.
This is interesting. According to Trademork, Pepsi has filed for a trademark for “Pepsi Raw.” They’re postulating that it’s a drink with pure cane sugar and not high fructose corn syrup.
The only remaining question is this: could pure cane sugar fix the problem with Pepsi, namely that it tastes like stale Coke? Doubtful.
Hey, Coke. What’s the deal already?
This year I snagged some of your “Passover” or “Kosher” Coke. The kind that you make with real sugar instead of with high fructose corn syrup.
Okay, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t snag some of it. I bought out all that I could find at three Publixs. But that’s not the point.
The point is this: why the hell isn’t this available year round?
Come on, it tastes better. We did a blind taste test between regular Coke and kosher Coke and the kosher version has a richer, fuller taste to it. I know it sounds insane to be talking about your soft drink like I’m some sort of wine connoisseur but at least I’m not saying that it needs to breathe first and swishing it around in my glass, am I?