So this is something I wrote as a skit for part of a show called “The Guerilla Ontologists Power Hour” that premiered at DragonCon many, many moons ago. I said if I got past 500 followers on Twitter I would respond in kind by sharing this. So here you go. “Cthulhu & Me.”
NARRATOR. Premiering this Wednesday on the Alternate Sci-Fi Channel: From the creators of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and the Nine Inch Nails video Closer, comes a touchingly disturbing story of two friends brought together by fortune, torn apart by fate. It’s the story ofâ€¦
[Camera up on BOBBY, standing hand in claw withâ€¦uhâ€¦CTHULHU.]
NARRATOR. Cthulhu & Me. I remember years and years ago, both of us growing up together in Kansas. We had no idea that we were both destined to change the world, me as a strockbroker, it as a destroyer of all human souls. But that was to come, at the time, we were both eight years oldâ€”and inseparable.
[BOBBY and CTHULHU are sitting on a pier and fishing.]
BOBBY. I thought what you did with Danielle’s pigtails today in class was so funny.
CTHULHU. G’RAAN NORTATH MONGA BLUTO.
BOBBY. [Laughs.] But how did you turn them into those three-eyed garter snakes?
CTHULHU. B’OKATO TAE BO MARRAKA.
BOBBY. [Wide eyed.] They were water moccasins? I thought they looked funny. The third eye must have thrown me.
CTHULHU. NU BATO AALIYAH.
BOBBY. Will show me how to do that someday?
BOBBY. Thanks, Cthulhu, you’re the greatest. [Hugs CTHULHU.]
CTHULHU. AWWWW. WHAKKA ZULU WENDIGO. [Hugs BOBBY back, then they let go. He eats several FISH whole.]
NARRATOR. I never had a friend like Cthulhu before. It sometimes was worried about its looks, that it’d never be able to get a girlfriend. I told it that everybody’s face looks like pizza before pubertyâ€”my older brother told me so. But anyway, though Cthulhu and I were best friends, we weren’t without our share of disagreements.
[CTHULHU walks across the stage, BOBBY chases after him.]
BOBBY. What did you do to Uncle Ernie?
CTHULHU. [Turns] BEN WA KLAATU MOJO NIXON.
BOBBY. Don’t tell me it wasn’t you.
CTHULHU. LEGO MORDOR PSEUDOPOD.
BOBBY. No, I don’t think the cat ate his soul. You did! Admit it.
CTHULHU. [Looks ashamed, if such a thing is possible.] NO TENGO BOZO.
BOBBY. [Turns and pouts.] How am I going to explain this to Mom?
[Insert cheesy dramatic soap opera music here.]
CTHULHU. BOB EE? [No answer.] CARMINA BURANA FRITO WOMBAT, BOB EE.
BOBBY. A shoggoth? You can make him a shoggoth? And Mom won’t tell the difference?
BOBBY. Yeah, I see what you mean. Oh I forgive you, Cthulhu. You’re the best!
NARRATOR. I can’t help but feel that I was responsible for what came next. But how was I to know? How were either of us to know?
[BOBBY is PACKING A SUITCASE.]
CTHULHU. BORNEO MARIAH CAREY SLINKY?
BOBBY. Oh, Cthulhu, don’t be sad. You knew that it was my goal to one day go to college. None of the schools here in Kansas are good enough for me.
CTHULHU. POGO LOGO SHISH BOOM BAH?
BOBBY. No, I tried Miskatonic and they had prerequisites I’d never even heard of. Couldn’t get a scholarship. You know that my folks don’t have a lot of money.
CTHULHU. AKIRA KUROSAWA PINTO BOOM BOOM.
BOBBY. No, I haven’t forgotten about the time you turned the dog into gold. We really appreciated that. Mom made you that casserole, remember?
CTHULHU. GLUCOSE. PARKAY FROGGER YUM.
BOBBY. I’ll be back for Christmas break, Cthulhu. Don’t worry, I’ll never forget you. [His case is packed and he’s ready to go.]
CTHULHU. B’WANA MOGO, BOB EE.
BOBBY. B’wana mogo, Cthulhu. I’ll talk to you soon.
[BOBBY strolls away, whistling, while CTHULHU waves a flipper dejectedly. I want the audience to go awwwwwww.]
NARRATOR. Time passed, and though Cthulhu and I did keep in touch, letters came less frequently. I should have noticed its tone changing as the years went by. No more b’wana mogo, but more like tromo sipka. I should have seen the danger. But I was too busy thinking of myself. Then came the day he ate Kansas. I had to go back and try to reason with him.
[BOBBY is yelling to a CTHULHU that is obviously huge and towering over him. CTHULHU speaks in V.O.]
BOBBY. CTHULHU! IT’S ME, BOBBY!
CTHULHU. LILI MARLENE ANTIPASTO.
BOBBY. NO! NO! I’m not here for you to snack on! It’s me, your friend, Bobby! No, Cthulhu! B’wana mogo! B’wana mogo!
CTHULHU. [Hesitates.] B’WANA MOGO? MORESO FISH FOOD B’WANA MOGO. BOB EE?
[A big ass tentacle comes from off stage.]
BOBBY. [Hugs tentacle.] Yes, Cthulhu, Bob Ee. I’m so sorry I didn’t understand you were upset about things. I should have realized what was happening before you ate all our friends and family. What happened?
CTHULHU. IPSO FACTO MONDO LOCO.
BOBBY. But you don’t have to destroy and/or enslave mankind! You can be anything you want! This is America, Cthulhu. Home of the free. Apple pie. All of that! The world is your oyster.
CTHULHU. OHHHH. BOB EE NEAPOLITAN MISH MASH.
BOBBY. That’s right, buddy.
[They begin to sing America the Beautiful. Bobby sings, Cthulhu kind of chants along as best he can. BOBBY pastes an American Flag on the tentacle, which CTHULHU waves.]
NARRATOR. I went on to become a successful stockbroker. And Cthulhu, well it went on to become Speaker of the House. Once there, it passed all manner of laws governing what publishers could publish and television shows could broadcast. Thus, it inflicted more damage upon the Earth than it ever could have as a Great Old One. It’s all my fault you see. If I only I had known, I would have let it simply eat our souls. It would have been a blessing to have been consumed. But who knew? Not I. And that’s my story.
OTHER NARRATOR. “Cthulhu & Me” has been brought to you by Hallmark Cards, give one to your Old Ones today. And also sponsored by…Shoggoth Chow, tastes like real human lungs!
[Weird dulcet tones.]
OTHER NARRATOR. This is the Alternate Sci-Fi Channel.