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Warriors of the Wasteland – Adverse Video Review

Warriors of the Wasteland movie poster

1982 was apparently a great year for crappy movies to find their way over to American soil. To truly understand the meaning behind the rating of this film just remember “The One’s” most important line from Warriors of the Wasteland: “It’s against the rules to interrupt me!…Now Go! Hate and Exterminate!”

This film pits a death-squad called “The Templars” against “The Scorpion,” a former Templar who wishes to live in peace…in a desert nuclear-post-apocalyptic future in the year 2019 A.D just after 1970s synthesized music made its way out of mainstream movies and into porn.

While the potshots at handle-mustache-wearing-renegade-soldiers-from-Spaceballs makes the first few minutes and the first of NINE (count ’em) dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome (why does it have a dome again?) car chase scenes remotely bearable. The other EIGHT dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome car–oh and metal skull as a dashboard ornament (can’t forget that)–chase scenes and lack of plot, aren’t all that bearable.

Seriously, how many bad car chase scenes without explosions does a movie really need, if it isn’t Dukes of Hazzard? Really, are you serious? You really want me to like ALL NINE of the NINE dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome car chase scenes and not fast-forward through them?

[ad#longpost]If it wasn’t for the 70s music played by a kid on his first synthesizer (with his mother yelling at him from downstairs while banging a broom on the ceiling), I don’t think I could have made it through the first seventeen minutes of this film. If it wasn’t for the fact that the actors blatantly read from cue-cards or that half of the film’s budget had to have been spent on the opening-explosion-sequence or that the kid who should have played Anakin Skywalker is an exposition and slingshot-shooting mechanic I don’t think I could have yawned and rolled my eyes within the first thirty minutes of the film.

Or to put it another way: about twenty-six minutes in I did start to rub my eyes. Then at thirty-two minutes in, I fast forwarded through THREE car chase scenes and one “sex” scene that took place inside of one of those inflatable bouncy castles that you see at shitty Fourth of July block parties (but this one is clear and they don’t have any sparklers). Then, finally about forty-eight minutes in, the “main biller” for the film, Fred Williamson, finally shows up looking like Jax from Mortal Kombat but with a Lord of the Dance head band. So I made a “Hey, he is like the Green Arrow, but Black! He is the Black Panther Arrow!” joke. Then I made a sandwich. And forgot I was watching the movie for about twenty minutes.

Maybe seeing the film in its original Italian would have made this movie better…? But actually, the first fifty minutes of the film aren’t that bad. Indeed, I think I would have rated this movie higher if not for the DRAAAAAAAAAGGGGG during the last forty minutes of the film. Between the poor-man’s Irene Cara in a plastic bra with pasties over her nips and the FOUR final dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome car chase scenes, you can’t wait for this film to end. Even the special effects are bad! I’ve seen college student films with better ones, honestly.

Warriors of the Wasteland mohawk action
If the movie 'Wings of Desire' had been produced by the makers of 'Xanadu'

Williamson’s William Shatner-style comment to “The Scorpion” pretty much sums up why you should not see this film…unless you like hitting the fast-forward button and regretting spending that dollar at the Dollar Store: “Here lies the ‘Great Scorpion’ in pain. Victim of the big bad queers, The Templars. All you have to do is ask and they dare, ‘I need your help.’ You are not so great now, Scorpion.”

Never mind the clear-bullet-proof-football-gear, never mind that the best lines are said by “The One” who is the leader of The Templars, never mind that a band of survivors are lead by a Catholic priest named Moses who will “lead them to the promise land.” This film could have been great! In fact, I can say that the first fifty minutes of this film made the movie great. Just stop watching about that far in, think of what you would like the ending to be in your head and turn off the film, then return it to the Dollar Store. Not only will you like the movie more, you just might hesitate when you return it. Again, just don’t watch the last forty minutes. Call this warning my gift to you.

Warriors of the Wasteland dome car
Yes, ma'am, that's right. I normally drive Yao Ming to his games.

Finally, I just want to give a “Why” shout out to Digiview Entertainment. Guys, I love that you put all of my cheesy Hong Kong theater films on DVD for me, but did you really have to go there with Warriors of the Wasteland? I know that it is the poor-man’s Road Warrior but did you really have to? Really?

Directed by: Enzo G. Castellari (Escape from the Bronx; I Came, I Saw, I Shot; Sinbad of the Seven Seas)
Written by: Enzo G. Castellari and Tito Carpi (The Raiders of Atlantis; Thor the Conqueror; The Pleasure Shop on 7th Avenue)
Cast: A bunch of Italian actors and Fred Williamson (The Legend of Nigger Charley, Boss Nigger, Black Caesar, From Dusk Till Dawn, Delta Force Commando, Currently working on: Black Kissinger)
MPAA Rating: There is no rating for this, but more than likely it would sit in the PG13 range.
Running Time: UK: 87 min | France:90 min | USA:91 min | West Germany:94 min (It doesn’t even know!)
Average Film Rating: 4.1 out of 10 Stars
Bad B-Movie Rating: not listed on
Bob-o-Meter Rating: My Eyes!!!… Why!?… Meh… Good… Great… Yes!… Badass… Awesome… Holy Shit, Man!

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