Meant to post this a little while ago, but I temporarily lost it when I filed it under “H” for “Review.”
Have you ever wondered what dreams taste like? I would argue that it depends on the individual. Some people probably have dreams that taste like rivers of smooth, milk chocolate. Others no doubt have dreams that taste of more abstract ideas…like joy.
I wasn’t sure what to expect when I tasted Dreamworld, the “dream flavored” version of Coke. Here’s what the Coke website says it is:
This limited edition sparkling beverage from Coca-Cola Creations explores the realms of the surreal, the imaginary, and the otherworldly. Experience the familiar Coca-Cola taste now with a surprising and unexpected flavor from a dream world.
I certainly wasn’t expecting it to have been created by someone whose dreams taste like someone melted down a dilapidated playground, rusty monkey bars and all. They then mixed that…whatever the result of a melted playground is called…in with some Coke and poured some more sugar on top of it because otherwise you’d be able to taste the worn rubber of the swing seats.
I’m not kidding. I took a first sip. Then I took a second sip because I wasn’t sure I had actually tasted what the first sip had entailed. And what sprang to mind…was this.
More specifically, for those of you who have seen and remember the film, the post-apocalyptic train fight popped into my head. (And if you haven’t seen the movie, it’s pretty damn good.)
I guess what I’m trying to say is that the person who dreamed up this flavor has dreams that died a hard death a long time ago. And were composted to grow something else. Which also died.
It would be incorrect to ask, when sipping Dreamworld, what fresh hell is this? Because it’s very obviously a stale hell. And though it purports to have “natural flavors,” I highly doubt that. Nothing in nature should taste like this, and if it did, it would have been placed on a no-go list by our ancestors centuries ago. This is the sort of thing you concoct when you are tired of life and hate everyone and want to put that across in carbonated beverage form.
It contains 129% of your daily recommended intake of sugar. Which means these dreams are, in addition to all the atrocities catalogued above, ones in which your pancreas is stabbed repeatedly by a maniacal clown. Who is in turn being stabbed by a bottle of Dreamworld.
The only thing left to say is, I guess, to whoever was behind this flavor: please visit a sleep clinic as soon as possible. I’m only saying this because I care.
Please note: the picture shows just how much of the drink I was able to imbibe before self preservation made me stop.