Cave Girl (1985)
Review by Doc Ezra

Written by Phil Groves, David Oliver
Directed by David Oliver
Starring Daniel Roebuck, Cynthia Thompson, and about 20 people that never worked again.


Rating: R

Anamorphic: Nope. Full frame only.

My Advice: Launch a pogrom against it.

High school übergeek Rex is a nut for the study of prehistoric man, and the butt of a large number of exceedingly stupid pranks by the strutting morons that are his classmates. And after falling for a series of really inane gags (one involving switching the signs on the girl's locker room to lure him inside), he gets to accompany a half-dozen of these knuckle-dragging dolts on a field trip to an old mine, which supposedly contains some cave paintings or some such nonsense.

What Rex and the others don't suspect is that by some bizarre (and never fully explained) twist of fate involving a strange glowing crystal and a military missile test, is that by the end of the day, Rex will have been hurled back in time several thousand years, fallen in love with a cavegirl, and hurled back to the present, where only moments have passed.

Sound stupid? It is. A film so bad I was almost ready to beg for some of Paul Verhoeven's cinematic genius, Cave Girl presents a textbook of "don'ts" for the aspiring filmmaker. Don't introduce a clan of prehistorics, where all the women have shaved legs, and the beauty pageant title character has tan lines and is obviously wearing make-up. And when you do introduce them, don't try and get the audience to believe that the titular cavegirl picked up English overnight, simply by hanging out and talking with the film's sorry excuse for a protagonist.

A quick trip to IMDB will confirm that few of those involved in this cinematic atrocity ever worked in film before or after this thing was committed to celluloid. The only shining exception is Daniel Roebuck, who had a brief moment in the sun as Jon Cryer's sidekick in Dudes. And it's little wonder. Acting is a foreign concept to most of those involved, and pacing is a concept foreign to the director. Even the couple of meager scenes that hold a glimmer of comedic potential are dragged out ad nauseam, stomping on the chance you'll find even a chuckle.

It gets a single coffee cup for token toplessness, because I hate to not have a single positive thing to say.

Buy it from Amazon!
(But only if you're trying to round all copies up for destruction.)

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