Greetings, denizens of the publicity-verse. Welcome to our site’s press release section. We look forward to working with you. Here’s some simple guidelines for what we will use, how we will use it, and so forth and so on. This is pretty much what every site considers its relationship with you to be, we just spell it out so that there’s no misunderstandings.

1. Any press releases sent to us through any channels, or to our regular press channel (publicity at need coffee dot com), are eligible to be used. You get the exposure, our readers can find them, and we get free content. Everybody happy.

2. We will be the final judge of what is posted. If it has no bearing on anything we write about here, then we might chunk it. For example: if you’re a manufacturing firm that makes tractors–that’s probably a no. However, if you’re a manufacturing firm that makes autonomous robot tractors–that’s definitely a maybe.

3. We will post whatever you send as is. We will not proof or edit your press release, apart from changing smart quotation marks to straight quotation marks. Because we can’t freaking stand smart quotes. And an e-mail filled with a bunch of links and a sentence or two is not a press release. If you send something that looks like we have to write anything or craft anything for you, we’ll chunk it.

4. We will use the first headline of your press release as the title of our press release post, unless we think we can write a better, more search-engine friendly one.

5. We will use whatever pictures you send, within reason, since we need to think about server load and bandwidth and stuff like that.

6. We will have commenting open on your press release. This might make you a little jumpy at first, but most of the websites talking about your product are message board-based or something so people comment on what you’re putting out anyway. We’re just telling you up front. And any comments left on the press releases will be subject to our comment policy in our general Terms of Use. Commenting is turned off for the whole site due to spambots trying to kill us. Oh well.

7. Please do not send stooges or “plants” to leave stock comments on press releases talking about how “cool” they are. If we find out, then we’ll get agitated. See above.

8. We will remove your contact information from any press releases you send before we post them. You’re welcome.

9. Press releases will not run on the front page. Don’t ask us to. If we want to and we think it warrants it, we will.

10. These bits are non-negotiable and all press releases are subject to these guidelines. If you don’t think you can live with these, then don’t send us press releases.

Thanks for your patronage. Let’s all make shitloads of money now, shall we?