Extreme Violence, Naughty Tentacles, and Penis Admiration From Black Phoenix

Down with Cupid

A rifle would be easier, but it's worth it for the irony.

Once again, it’s Valentine’s Day. The day where mutant naked winged toddlers come to terrorize the masses, their arrows coated with powerful psychotropics that will turn a rational person into a baby-talking moron who buys anything that is heart shaped. I can hear their mad cackling now. Can’t you? It is indeed fortunate that we have Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab to help cut through the holiday treacle and give us an alternative that nothing to do with Hallmark, Zales Jewelery, and Russell Stover Candies.

Last year, Black Phoenix released a line called An Ode to Aphrodite where fragrances were created based on the various named of the goddess of love. So after giving the spotlight to Venus, this year it’s Mars’ turn with An Ode to Ares. The perfumes are named for the various aspects of the god of war. Now some of the names can be interpreted in terms of love as well with Enkhespalos or Spear-Wielding, Rhinotoros or Skin-Piercing, and Andreiphontês or Destroyer of Men. Now some of you will say that a symbol of violence is inappropriate for a holiday based on love. But aren’t both fueled by passion? Haven’t you heard a friend brag about his or her latest “conquest”? How many times have we seen a relationship depicted as a battle? Aggression has its place. There are just times you want to be slammed against a wall, have your underwear ripped off, and have your brains fucked out. Who’s your Lord of War, baby?

Black Phoenix also continues to feature the lovely Miskatonic Valley. It’s a perfect setting for couple because love makes you crazy. And there is no crazy like Lovecraft crazy. So come for Valentine’s Day in the Miskatonic Valley. Everything is here for a romantic getaway. The Gilman House Hotel practically reeks with old world charm. Instead of paving over the neighboring swamp, you can enjoy its unique beauty in ecologically friendly luxury. The Hotel is centrally located to many shops that offer the strange and eldritch for your significant other. It’s a short walk to get a lovely bouquet at Enchanted Wood Florist. No boring red roses here–these blossoms are out of this world. If you are looking for something more permanent but feel that gold is passe, visit the skilled artisans of Inganok Jewelers. They bring their training from beyond the Cerenerian Sea to create onyx adornments to adorn your lover’s finger, neck, or tentacle. If you want sweets for the sweet, the only place to go to in The Sugared She-Goat Chocolatier. Mixed with with the freshest ingredients, especially the milk, their truffles are a delight to the tongue. These confections are made with a quality that a mother with a thousand young can bring. These and other sites in the Miskatonic Valley will made any love reach cyclopean levels and make you scream “Iä Iä!”

BPAL's Penis Admiration

We wanted to spare innocent eyes so Chazz 'volunteered'.

And finally, we venture once again to experience Novel Ideas For Secret Amusements. These perfumes are based on erotic Japanese art from their Edo period. If you want to feel naughty but want to keep it to yourself, there is Okayaki (A jealous woman observes an illicit affair) or Harimise (having sex through a latticework window). If you want to be brazen wear Beanman & Beanwoman Prepare To Attack The Vagina or Konseishin The Penis God. Come on, saying you’re wearing Penis Admiration is one hell of an ice breaker. It’s reassuring that a people several hundred years ago can be just as smutty and perverted as us. Even more so if Octopus and Abalone Diver is any indication. Yes people, tentacle hentai is older than the United States of America. Chew on that.

Quick! Tell the Others!

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By | 2017-09-24T22:54:43+00:00 February 11th, 2010|Stimuli|0 Comments

Quick! Tell the Others!

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