Drive Angry 3D (2011) – 27 Second Review

Drive Angry 3D Poster

Written by: Todd Farmer & Patrick Lussier
Directed by: Patrick Lussier
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke, David Morse

Review: The latest installment of The Nicolas Cage Crazy Eyes Chronicles arrives with some fancy 3D effects–that only pay off once or twice–and a surprisingly well-built cast. Cage’s demonic wrath is okay, I guess, but it pales in comparison to Fichtner’s performance as Satan’s accountant, and Heard’s psycho bitch rendition of Daisy Duke. Not to mention a five-barreled shotgun called the Godkiller. Gotta love it.

Time: 20 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T22:43:33+00:00 March 1st, 2011|27 Seconds, Reviews|0 Comments

The Eagle (2011) – 27 Second Review

The Eagle (2011) poster

Written by: Jeremy Brock, based on the novel by Rosemary Sutcliff
Directed by: Kevin Macdonald
Starring: Channing Tatum, Jamie Bell, Donald Sutherland, Mark Strong

Review: As much as I enjoy Roman-style bloodshed, this one bored me. When the face-stabbing and limb-hacking was actually on screen, it was quite enjoyable. But those few and far between sequences were interluded with far too many sitting-around-a-fire and riding-horses-through-the-flowing-hills sequences. And the ending was far too much like a buddy cop movie. Now I want to see an actual buddy cop movie set in ancient Rome.

Time: 20 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T22:43:49+00:00 February 17th, 2011|27 Seconds, Reviews|5 Comments

The Karate Kid (2010) – 27 Second Review

Karate Kid 2010 poster

Written by: Christopher Murphey, based on a story by Robert Mark Kamen
Directed by: Harald Zwart
Starring: Jaden Smith, Jackie Chan, Taraji P. Henson, Rongguang Yu, Zhenwei Wang

Review: As usual, remakes make us wary. In this case, the original is…what it is. Although it’s riddled with cheese, it is a classic. The question becomes whether the original is improved upon by the addition of Jackie Chan, and the removal of the utterly ridiculous crane stance…or is it ruined by the addition of Lady Gaga? Despite its PG rating, it was very entertaining. Also: no crane stance. Another plus.

Time: 19 seconds (more…)

By | 2017-09-24T22:50:52+00:00 June 23rd, 2010|27 Seconds, Reviews|0 Comments

Kick-Ass (2010) – 27 Second Review

Kick-Ass poster

Written by: Jane Goldman & Matthew Vaughn, based on the comic book by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.
Directed by: Matthew Vaughn
Starring: Aaron Johnson, Chloë Grace Moretz, Mark Strong, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Nicolas Cage

Review: This movie in and of itself was funny, and delivered on the character-driven attempt to evoke every kind of emotion among the audience members (those of us who feel feelings, anyway). And then the reason I saw it. The movie had to be cut three times in order to achieve an R rating, so I’m anxiously awaiting the director’s cut that will deliver more of the balls-out action sequences of an eleven-year-old girl kicking the unholy shit out of anyone she sees. It’s some of the craziest fight choreography I’ve ever seen. And I’m a Tony Jaa fan, so that says a lot.

Time: 20 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T22:51:46+00:00 May 20th, 2010|27 Seconds, Reviews|0 Comments

The Book of Eli (2010) – 27 Second Review

Book of Eli poster

Written by: Gary Whitta
Directed by: The Brothers Hughes
Starring: Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Beals, Ray Stevenson

Review: Mix together Mad Max and Leon, then form it into a holy arrow of some kind, and fire it through the testicles of a would-be rapist, and this is what you get. It’s good to see Oldman return to his psychotic bad guy role, which he does very well, and even better to see Denzel Washington flip out and kill tons of dudes.

Time: 14 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T22:54:56+00:00 January 27th, 2010|27 Seconds, Reviews|0 Comments

Sherlock Holmes (2009) – 27 Second Review

Sherlock Holmes poster

Written by: Michael Robert Johnson, Anthony Peckham & Simon Kinberg, based on a story by Johnson & Lionel Wigram, based on characters created by Arthur Conan Doyle
Directed by: Guy Ritchie
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Mark Strong, Rachel McAdams, Eddie Marsan

Review: After the putrid retch that was Revolver, it’s good to see that Guy Ritchie is back making them awesome. I’d waited for this movie for a long time, and I’m happy to report that it did not disappoint. The kicksplode was a special type of Victorian brand…and extensive to boot. Also: Doilies!

Time: 13 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T22:55:53+00:00 January 1st, 2010|27 Seconds, Reviews|2 Comments

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) – 27 Second Review

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie poster

Written by: Stuart Beattie, David Elliot, Paul Lovett, and Michael Gordon
Directed by: Stephen Sommers
Starring: Ray Park, Marlon Wayans, Channing Tatum, Dennis Quaid, Rachel Nichols, Byung-Hun Lee, Saïd Taghmaoui, Joseph-Gordon Levitt, Christopher Eccleston, Sienna Miller, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Arnold Vosloo, Jonathan Pryce

Review: Casting Ray Park as Snake Eyes earned them a lot of leeway. I was even willing to forgive the fact that they put lips on his mask. It’s the ninja equivalent of Bat-Nipples. But they countered that with a good deal of brilliant homage, as well as enough kicksplode to entertain me for the two hours needed. Even if they twisted a fond childhood memory a bit (Accelerator Suits…? The hell?), the action made it a fun movie. Not a great movie by any means, mind you, but a fun one.

Time: 21 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T23:00:14+00:00 August 25th, 2009|27 Seconds, Reviews|2 Comments

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – 27 Second Review

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen teaser movie poster

Written by: Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, and Alex Kurtzman
Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Ramon Rodriguez, Peter Cullen, Hugo Weaving

Review: The only problem I had with the first one of these was that it tended to have things on the screen that weren’t giant robots fighting other giant robots. So that needed fixing. And so it was! This time around, if you’re not seeing a big bot tear another’s face off (seriously, this is done quite a bit), then you’re probably instead focused on some of Megan Fox’s various parts. Which is acceptable. You can shut your brain down for this one. Shut it down hard.

Time: 21 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T23:01:43+00:00 July 1st, 2009|27 Seconds, Reviews|0 Comments

Angels & Demons (2009) – 27 Second Review

Angels and Demons movie poster

Written by: Akiva Goldsman and David Koepp, based on the novel by Dan Brown
Directed by: Ron Howard
Starring: Tom Hanks, Ayelet Zurer, Ewan McGregor, Stellan Skarsgård, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Pierfrancisco Favino

Review: Well, they fixed the hair. And that’s good. But they did well with the rest of it as well, and that’s unexpected. Instead of an overhyped dissapointment, this one seems to be the unholy union of National Treasure with the first movie. Which occured in a meat grinder. That was on fire.

Also, Anti-Matter! Yay!

Time: 13 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T23:01:48+00:00 June 27th, 2009|27 Seconds, Reviews|1 Comment

Watchmen (2009) – 27 Second Review

Watchmen movie poster art

Written by: David Hayter and Alex Tse, based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
Directed by: Zack Snyder
Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Billy Crudup, Malin Ackerman, Matthew Goode, Patrick Wilson, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Carla Gugino, Robert Wisden

Review: His views on sexy costumes notwithstanding, Rorschach is my idol. So long as they did him right, I’d be willing to forgive a lot from this movie. And they did. They nailed the character I had come to love and admire so well, that I didn’t even realize that the rest of the movie was excellent as well. So there was nothing to forgive. Hey kids! Put on a mask and run around the rooftops to violently punish criminals! With fire! It’s fun, and easy to be your own vigilante! With fire!

Time: 23 seconds

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By | 2017-09-24T23:04:39+00:00 March 22nd, 2009|27 Seconds, Reviews|1 Comment