By using this site, you agree not to freak out about the following:

Traffic Tracking

We use cookies and scripts that track traffic to our site anonymously. We do this because we A) want to find out what you're looking at to see what you like to read and 2) we need to know how many folks visit the site because certain companies who send us free shit want to know numbers like that. If you do nothing but browse about the site, we can see you doing it but it's totally anonymous.

Updated 2/27/08: Also, please be aware that third parties, i.e. those that serve the ads on our site, may be placing and reading cookies on your browser, or using web beacons to collect information.

Personal Data

You can, however, give us certain personal data. This can happen while registering for the Needcoffee.com Gabfest (our message board) or entering our contests. Your e-mail address or any other data you provide to us via this process is never given out to anyone outside this site without your permission or unless we're ordered to do so by a court of law.

Please be aware that we cannot be held responsible for people taking an e-mail address that you have placed in a comment or in a Gabfest post that you yourself created and sticking that on a spam mailing list or any other mailing list without your permission. By you posting your e-mail address anywhere on this site, you're waiving any expectation of that e-mail address remaining private. In fact, if we find your e-mail address or phone number in a comment or message board post, and you're someone we don't know, we will edit that information out. Yes, I know it's your right to open yourself up to spammers and freaks around the world, but think about it: if you're commenting, we don't know that you're really you. You could very easily be posting the e-mail address and phone number of your worst enemy just to piss them off. And while they might deserve that, we won't help you with it. And if you are somebody's worst enemy, just thank us and move along.

There is a place on the Gabfest sign-up and on contest sign-ups where you can opt-in to a mailing list that is given out to third parties for their use to mail you marketing info. We use this as leverage in order to get free shit to give you as contest prizes and the like. All they see is your e-mail address and your gender unless it's a special one-off situation and then we will outline on the page in question what we're giving them. And we never, ever give even that info out without you telling us it's okay during one of those sign-ups. If you think you signed up for this opt-in list by mistake, just send us an e-mail at optout@needcoffee.com and we'll check--if you are on the list, we'll take you off. It's just that simple. If you opt-in on one contest, you can't click No on the next contest and be taken off. The system doesn't work that way. Use optout@needcoffee.com to get taken off the third party information list. By opting-in to this list, though, you are giving us permission to give your e-mail address and gender to a third party company.

The only time we would give out any other personal data is if you win a contest. Sometimes the company co-sponsoring the contest (i.e., providing the free stuff) is sending stuff directly to you if you win. To do this, obviously, they need your snail mail address. By entering a contest, you are giving us permission to give your address to a third party company if you win for the sole purpose of sending you your prize. You are also giving us permission, if you win, for us to post your name and your state (or province) to the site as part of the list of winners.

Corresponding With the Loonies

Also, any correspondence that you send to members of the staff becomes the property of Needcoffee.com and its staff for us to do with as we wish. Basically this means if you send us nasty e-mails thinking that by doing so you can avoid the harsh spotlight of public shame, you're wrong. While, again, we won't post your e-mail address, we have no problems about sharing the actual message itself and your name or "assumed name" with the world.

Message Board (Gabfest) Usage

The basic and only rule of the Gabfest is "Don't be a dick." Dickish behavior will get you banned. We sometimes provide warnings, but they are not guaranteed. If this item confuses you, it's more than likely because you're a dick.

Wordpress Comment Policy

All comments are moderated (when they're up and running). If you can see your comment but others cannot, it's because it's awaiting moderation. This is not because we don't trust you (although we don't), but because without moderation, we would have fifty comments on each and every post trying to sell you Prilosec and online casinos and shit you wouldn't even believe. Most comments, even ones critical of what we do here, will go through. There are, however, exceptions. If we deem your comment to have no redeeming conversational or even humorous value, it probably won't see the light of day. We reserve the right to blow away any comments which we find to be valueless. If you want to talk shit about us, at least be creative or funny or entertaining. But we can talk shit right back. So be warned. And every time you people who want to talk shit come and waste your time on this site, you give us more page views, which makes our advertisers happy, which makes us stronger. So yes, please, bring that noise. By all means.

General Statement About Our Audience

This site is considered to be for adults. Mature adults. While we don't generally allow pictures of nudity on the site, we have been known to use terms of profanity, such as "fuck" and "shit" and "Yanni." We believe in free speech. You have the right to get offended, certainly, but we reserve the right to counter you by getting offended at you getting offended. You have the right to express your outrage in comments and posts, which, if they comply with our comments and posting policy, will be allowed on the site. But we reserve the right to mock you mercilessly in return. If you find the site offensive, don't come around anymore. The Internet's a big place. Basically, I can extend my fist until it reaches your nose, but in turn, you can extend your nose until it reaches my fist. If my fist is hanging out in space, and see it and walk into it anyway, whose fault is that? Consider this your notice that this site is my fist.

Changes to This Policy

Changes to this page and this policy may happen, but I wouldn't count on it, because we're tired. Like...all the time.

Terms Of Usage

By using and/or reading this site, you are hereby proclaiming that what you've just read doesn't make you overly paranoid and you're fine with what we've told you. You are also stating for the record that you're intelligent enough to understand what we've said above--people who don't understand any of this or are confused--please do not e-mail us asking for clarification--simply leave the site now. We cannot be held responsible for you hanging around after you've been expressly told you can't stay. Thanks.