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This is Somewhat Terrifying…

For those that don’t know, we use Amazon’s latest and greatest goodies on here, which includes their Omakase links, where it takes the context of the page and provides what it thinks are the best fit products for the page in question. I believe it also takes into account your buying history as well as who you are. What makes me say that?


That appeared at the top of the page mere minutes ago.

Amazon: All Widge, All the Time

I know that’s small, but I wanted to show you it in context first. Here’s the first item:

Widge Over Troubled Waters

Yes, that’s right: the book Widge Over Troubled Waters. According to this, the author is Widge. While I do spend a great and undue amount of time over troubled waters, I must say that I’ve never been accused of easing anyone’s mind. And if you click through to Amazon, you’ll find that it gets even better. The full title is Widge Over Troubled Waters: The Language of Widge. It gets even stranger when you see that the bottom of the cover states “Poetry’s Best by Carl J. Keller II.”

Is Mr. Keller publishing a volume that he’s edited of what he considers to be the best poetry in the world? Or is this his poetry and he thinks it’s just that good? I don’t know. And it’s temporarily out of stock, so it remains a mystery. Maybe he used the Burroughs cut-up method on some of my DVD reviews and that’s why it’s the language of Widge? I don’t know.

"Widge You" by The Troggs

Next: a downloadable version of “Widge You” by the Troggs. I’ve never heard the song “Widge You,” but if I am basing this on my life history my name here is probably being used as a verb. And not in a kind and gentle way, like when someone sneezes. “Oh, Widge you.” But I’m fairly certain my name in this context could only be used as an expletive.

Ah, okay. When I listen to it, it turns out, it’s a bastardized way of saying “When I’m with you,” except they’re saying it “When I’m Widge you.” Which might be a grammatically incorrect way of saying that the singer is talking about being me. Which might be something like Being John Malkovich, except about fourteen times less interesting and without any involvement of a monkey.

Launcelot Widge

And last but not least…Launcelot Widge by Charles Hooton. When you look on the Amazon page, it says this:

This scarce antiquarian book is included in our special Legacy Reprint Series…Because this work is culturally important, we have made it available as a part of our commitment to protecting, preserving and promoting the world’s literature.

Yes yes, but what is it about? Do I fight the Knights of Ni? Because that would be…a very short battle ending in my death by shrubbery. And given that the book is 140 pages long, very unlikely. And because it’s antiquarian, it’s doubtful that somebody has written medieval fan fiction about me, which is good, because I find that idea very, very terrifying.

Anyway, I just thought I would share. Because it was a bit unnerving to look up and see that banner staring back at me from the site.