March already has a caffeine month declared. But all it takes is about three minutes of research and you figure that that’s been done to put coffee down, and…how conveniently…put a coffee substitute in its place, not to mention the books you can buy to back up the research.
So whatever. We hereby declare March as Worldwide Caffeine Appreciation Month. Why worldwide? Because we’ve got readers on six continents (we’d love seven…anyone know anybody doing research on #7?) and caffeine is universal, baby! And we don’t need to write a book to support caffeine–caffeine supports us!
So. Take this opportunity to let your caffeine know you appreciate everything it does for you. Like this.
“Yo, caffeine, what up?”
Hell yes. My own tribute after the break.
A Caffiend’s Prayer
O Caffeine, take me into your loving arms for one more day
Let thy quad venti delivery mechanism
Enter unto me like a divine wellspring
Of eyelids not closing at stoplights.
Let the extra 400mg of you I ingest
Bring reinforcements to your troops
Doing battle against the hordes of fatigue
Seeking to usurp myself and my productivity.
If I should succumb to sleep
If I should descend and then not awaken once more
Let me find myself across the espresso river
Let me have paid the boatman in beans
Let me find unrest at last
In a paradise filled with Red Bull trees
And fountains of Surge and Josta
And all those other drinks that have gone before us.
Let us make little cream and foam hearts
On the surface of eternity.
Let us drink.