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Bye, Alcoholic Energy Drinks

Sparks alcoholic energy drink

On one hand, I can’t agree with the government leaning on MillerCoors and Anheuser-Busch/InBev till they pulled the plug on their alcoholic energy drinks. So perhaps they were marketing them to underage kids. Stuff gets marketed to kids too young to be partaking of it all the time and that’s what parents are supposed to be for. I know comments like that catch me a lot of flak, but it’s the truth. We can’t kid-proof the world. Sorry.

And supposedly there were health risks associated from mixing alcohol and caffeine. I frankly haven’t looked into this and can’t comment, but I will say that there are health concerns with stimulants and health concerns with depressants–and if you mix the two, I could probably believe you get some combo that’s the worst of both worlds. But if there are proven risks, document on the can. I doubt they’d do any good–see Denis Leary’s routine about warnings on cigarettes for reference–but we can’t (and shouldn’t) protect people who are (mostly) in their right minds from willfully and consensually damaging themselves. Sorry about that too.

But setting all that aside, I have never understood the appeal of alcoholic energy drinks. I mean, seriously: make up your damn mind. Do you want to be up? Or be down? Do you want stimulants? Or do you want depressants? If you take both at the same time don’t you just wind up back where you started, except for having consumed a crapload of sugar, thumped your liver a good one and freed your wallet of several bucks? So I can’t shed a tear for their passing. Is anybody else sorry to see them go?



  • Well I for one will miss them. Well, ‘miss’ is not the right word… uhhh, I can’t think of a right word – moving on.

    As an adult, I have enjoyed these ADULT beverages. I get that they are packaged to look like regular energy drinks and that it could be misconstrued as such; thus resulting in an underage life form procuring one, so I put that aside.

    What I don’t like is the government constantly playing babysitter to ADULTS. Look, I have never done an illicit drug in my life (hard to believe, I know) but I don’t think the government should prevent adults from imbibing in an occasional mind alteration. Hell, if you want to waste your life away, go right ahead – as long as you are only impacting yourself and understand that you start to harm others you will find yourself in jail or worse. It is sad that we let the Government get away with deciding what we can do with our bodies. How does one rectify in their minds that alcohol and cigarettes are okay, but weed isn’t?

    I would also argue that no chemical stimulant or depressant should be given to any child – be it prescribed or otherwise except in the most extreme of situations.

    Ummmm, what the hell were we talking about? Oh yeah, I’ll ‘miss’ the energy/alcohol genre – I guess that is my point.

  • Jon, glad you said something because I wanted to add a post script about how the companies handled it all wrong. If people are all up in arms about them looking like regular energy drinks (which for some reason are supposed to be marketed to kids as well? why? the little fuckers still have energy) then I would turn around and put them in a silver, non-descript can with black letters on it that says SPARKS ALCOHOLIC ENERGY DRINK. ABSOLUTELY NOT FOR SALE TO MINORS. Then the usual ingredients on the back.

    They would still be up in arms, but you couldn’t say shit about marketing to kids now–it’s in a generic package, fuck off.

    I ask the question about who will miss these things because I just don’t understand them in principle. And since I don’t drink anymore, I never had the pleasure of trying them out. Honestly, what DID it do as far as the experience of drinking them?

    That being said, you are completely 110% right. The Nanny Government problem is huge, granted, but what’s worse is when they come out and do it “For the Children.” I hate that shit. We cannot and should not make the world safe for children, because in doing so, we take away all kinds of freedom for adults. The government should not have the power to do this. Period. As long as the product is appropriately labeled with full disclosure as to potential problems and ingredients and whatnot, knock yourself out. Literally, if you must.

    I’m hoping that we’re going to get to a point where people just get fed up with this sanctimonious bullshit and start taking back our liberties. We’re not there yet. But maybe I’ll live long enough to see it.

  • First, I don’t drink to get drunk (famous last words). I would categorize myself as an occasionally social drinker. I will drink beer because I actually like the taste and if I am with friends all the better. And, I don’t necessarily get ‘depressed’ from drinking – I mellow out a bit (yeah I get that is the same thing… just humor me).

    What was the first sign again… denial?

    Anyway, what I got out of this genre of beverage was being able to be “buzzed” while avoiding the sleepiness that usually accompanied it. The energy part, for me at least, was more potent than the alcohol part (though the 7% is pretty high for a beer type drink). I never used these at home, it was mostly during poker tournaments and DragonCon – times when I want to be a little light headed, but alert. I should point out these are also times when I would not be driving – just because you have the impression of being alert does not mean you are. Only douches drive after drinking – don’t be a douche.

    The taste was not that bad, better than Red Bull (which is sort of like saying Swordfish was a better movie than Catwoman – the bar is not that high and you barely got over it) and it was a decent value for the money. I believe one can cost in the area of $3, which was more bang for the same price of beer and/or most other energy drinks.

  • Thanks for the report…I’m actually sort of glad I don’t drink anymore. I probably would have indulged in these rather often, frankly. I’m rather amazed I’m able to abstain from alcoholic coffee drinks, honestly.