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32 Days of Halloween III, Day 31: Bad Sequel-Palooza!

Jaws: The Revenge

So last year we did a bit on sequels and ostensibly we had more sequels two years ago as well. And so that brings around to the topic of bad sequels. And in general, sometimes bad movies are good. Sometimes bad movies are atrocious. Sometimes bad movies make you feel like not only did you get robbed of the price of a ticket (or a rental, or a whatever), but your time was robbed from you and suddenly you’re looking at ninety or so minutes of your life you can never get back. The tragedy of it all. As discussed on today’s Weekend Justice (showing up shortly), it doesn’t have to be this way. But so often…it is. Here’s some time-honored bits of crap, in keeping with the season.

No parade of bad sequels can be complete without Jaws: The Revenge, which is the birth of the “Michael Caine Excuse.” When asked why he did the film, he responded simply, and with refreshing honesty, “I needed a house.” I hope it was a fine house.

Direct link for the feedreaders.

Notice the box they put around his name in the credits there. “No, really, look! We’re serious! We’ve got a serious actor on board! Take us seriously! Please!”

And we have the fourth entry in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise, before the inevitable remake hit. In case you have never seen this, yes, that is actually Matthew McConaughey and yes, that is actually Renee Zellweger. Enjoy. Or…I mean, yeah.

Direct link for the feedreaders.

And we can’t go talking about sequels without bringing up Children of the Corn. Why? Because here’s what you have to understand about books being adapted into films and the contracts that go along with that. It used to be if you signed a deal giving somebody the rights to make a film out of your book, you were, by default, giving them the rights to do as many sequels as they wanted. It was Children of the Corn that showed Stephen King what a terrible idea that was–so he struck that from any contracts he signed further down the line. Why? Well, let’s just pick a random installment. The fifth one, for example. Alas, I can’t find a good trailer for that anymore. So we’ll back up one.

Direct link for the feedreaders.

Okay, we’ll stop there. Hey. Hey now. It’s okay, stop crying. Here, have some espresso. Everything’s going to be fine.

Where to Find Stuff

No, we’re not even going to have links to purchase this stuff. We’re not sadists.