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Things I’ve Been Meaning to Tell You

There are many questions I have pondered during my sojourn. Some of them are new, such as “Why was there never a Scooby-Doo Movie where they teamed up with P-Funk?” Some of them are as old as time. Okay, maybe not that old. But this one dates back to the time of Heraclitus.

“When is a Twinkie not a Twinkie?”

Limited edition Twinkies

There has been much debate on this subject. One thing on which I think we can all agree is that the nature of the cream filling is usually not a deciding factor. After all, the cream filling was original banana cream…which is absurd, of course. They’ve recently brought back that original flavor, I suppose for the fans of that pre-World War II taste. Or for people who really need potassium. They also released limited edition cotton candy cream filled Twinkies. You can see one on the right.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with cotton candy. It is tasty in moderation and it flummoxes raccoons, so for those reasons it is a staple of American junk food. And we cannot fault Hostess for combining cotton candy with the Twinkie, because that’s what we do here in America: slap stuff together without ever asking ourselves, “We can do this…but should we?” It’s in our national DNA.

However, when you look at the item on the left there, your initial reaction might be, “What’s with the malformed Zinger?” That, my friends, is a chocolate cake Twinkie with “peanut butter creamy filling.” And I think you see where I’m going with this…it is possible to go too far. If you had indeed given me the same item as a Zinger, I might have enjoyed it more. But instead, with each bite I found myself confronted by this philosophical dilemma. Experimentation is fine, Hostess, but never forget the fundamentals of your product. And stop trying to play God. And when did Twinkies get so damn small, anyway?

There are things that weigh heavily on the mind of an aging geek. Since our bodies are the accepted method of getting our brains to conventions, we no doubt have discovered–too late in some of our cases–that they need maintenance and upkeep. When it comes to back, shoulder and neck pain…which is where my body has been storing tension for the longest while…I can recommend the Nayoya Acupressure Mat. This was a recommendation from Tim Ferriss who I think received his recommendation from one of those crazy Cirque types.

Nayoya Acupressure Mat

It’s exactly what you think it is–covered with plastic spikes, it’s basically My First Bed of Nails. It takes some getting used to, but I find that it usually helps with tension. Hell, now I can take naps on the thing. I think I’m probably not supposed to, but that probably says more about my masochism than I usually relate to my therapist. Regardless, if you find knots in your back, this can go to work on them for you. I find it very helpful when it feels like everything above my occipital lobe is trying to secede from the rest of my body.

T. rex hiding in a gift bag

Over the holiday season, I hope neither you nor your loved ones fell prey to the newest ploy by tyrannosaurs: camouflaging themselves as gift bags. I don’t know how they manage it either but as the man said: life…finds a way.

Evil Twin Westbrook Imperial Mexican Biscotti Cake Break

One last thing I want to share before I go…I want to speak of this. The Evil Twin Brewing/Westbrook Imperial Mexican Biscotti Cake Break. With a name like that, I could not pass it up. Because it sounds excessive and insane, two of my favorite qualities in…well, the universe. It threatens to be “ale with coffee, cinnamon, almonds, cocoa nibs, vanilla and habanero peppers added.” It smells of chocolate and just a bit of habanero. It tastes like Dr. Moreau spliced together an ale and a coffee stout. However, it’s very light with a sort of vanilla/cinnamon lingering aftertaste. It is also the lightest beer I think I’ve ever tasted where I felt the need to take a sip and then put the glass down and ponder life for a moment or eight. I assume that’s the “break” promised in the name. It is also 10.5% ABV. My main recommendation is if you get the bomber size (which may be the only size…the only size we had here) have a few friends to share it with, because while it’s a good beer, I don’t know I could drink the whole thing myself. Also: definitely a dessert ale. Only quibble: I didn’t think of biscotti or cake while drinking this. Which is odd, because I’m usually thinking about cake just in general.

I’m sure I have other things in my archive I need to bring to your attention. Stay tuned, folks.