Liam Neeson is badass. This might be news to some, but not to me. I remember Rob Roy, where, among other things, he and Tim Roth engaged in one of the best on-screen swordfights of all time. If only the bad guys in Taken had gotten the memo. Regardless, some time in the past few years Neeson has become the go-to badass when you need something fought. He’s fought his own memory, he’s fought Batman, he’s even fought George Lucas’ lack of directorial skill. He even helped make The A-Team worth watching. And now the question of “What if we combined Taken and The Edge?” appears to have been answered with the new trailer for The Grey, in which Neeson is fighting wolves and wilderness.
Here, check it out…
Isaac caught it: towards the end he is ready to fight a wolf with broken-bottle knuckles. Feel free to read that sentence again. Because is bears repetition and understanding. Now that we have Taken 2 on the horizon (who knows who he’s chasing down? who cares?) and also Battleship, in which he will battle audience apathy (but we’ll end up seeing it anyway…it’s Neeson), that begs the question. Now what?
We’ve put our heads together and come up with a list of things we’d like to propose to Hollywood that Neeson should fight next.
10. Swans. Okay, don’t laugh. They are mean bastards. Geese too. One time in a park, a goose sat on my pizza and hissed at me, driving me off from it. And if you know anything about my love of pizza, you know that must have been one threatening bird. Perhaps some impostor swans replace the royal swans in a plot to assassinate British royalty and Neeson is there to stop it. Hell, it beats the obvious Leda and the Swan joke that Neeson as Zeus brings to mind.
Trapped on a fishing trawler, unable to get back to land and facing down a super-predator with whirly-sharp bits as part of its natural anatomy. What’s not to like? I’ll tell you what’s to love: watching Liam Neeson punch it. In the face.
8. Any SyFy hybrid and/or giant monster. While we’re at it, a straight up vs. film would be excellent. Neeson vs. Dinocroc. Or Neeson vs. Mega-Python. That’s right, Neeson is in the title. That would be a way to sell it. Or you could just do the remake of this that you know is coming anyway, except this time it’s all SyFy monsters. Actually, the more I think about that the more I want it. You know what I’m talking about…
Of course, you could just skip SyFy and have him fight Godzilla. I think I’d be okay with that.
7. Fugu. Poisoned with bad sushi and given just a day or so to find and revenge his own death like another remake of DOA. Maybe technically he’d be fighting Death, really. And if anyone could fight Death with broken bottle knuckles, it would be Liam Neeson.
Or it’s just a live action version of that Simpsons episode.
6. A Megalodon. Didn’t we talk about squids earlier? Well, yes, but there’s actually a film in development hell based on the novel Meg (and I could’ve sworn there was one based on a different novel called Megalodon). And I don’t want to spoil anything so don’t highlight if you don’t want to see it, but the notion of somebody actually driving a sub down the thing’s throat, escaping out into the thing’s body and then reaching its heart and killing it while inside it actually seems plausible when you say that it’s Liam Neeson doing it.
5. Galactus. The entity who eats worlds. Not a cloud but a giant dude whose helmet/hat is so large that even the Pope is impressed.
Actually, come to think of it: the only flaw with this idea being that, once Neeson has fought Galactus to a standstill and they’re both panting and trying to catch their breath before Round 36, they might decide to say screw it and go get a beer. After talking, Neeson decides to accept the power cosmic and becomes the new Herald. And that will come back to bite us in the ass, mark my words.
4. Zombies. In all seriousness, he’s too old for the part, but imagine Neeson in a Joe Ledger/Patient Zero like scenario. Or he could work as the mercenary in a properly-executed World War Z adaptation. Hell, even if you went with space zombies and tried to do a proper Doom film…there’s so many ways Neeson could save us from the undead. And again, highly believable that he could kick the ass of a horde.
3. Smurfs. The Smurfs movie has made almost a half a billion dollars thus far. Somebody has to stop them.
2. Honey Badgers. Before the funny viral video, there was someone else trying to warn people about honey badgers: Jeremy Clarkson of all people.
Now what I’m thinking is a spin on Night of the Lepus or even just Food of the Gods…featuring honey badgers. Not only are they pissed off and want to gnaw your face, but they’re enormous. Maybe this could be the movie where Liam Neeson and Chuck Norris join forces. Box office just doubled and you know it.
1. Himself. I mentioned this on a podcast recently: there is a project out there called Gemini Man in which an older badass has a cloned, younger badass version of himself sent to kill him. The idea is to use the same actor but just CG-de-age the actor for the younger role. It was supposed to be Harrison Ford and I’ve also heard Mel Gibson but Neeson could pull it off. My only thought is: the edge older Neeson would have on younger Neeson is that he is older, and thus craftier and wiser. And, because of his age, has a more impressive crinkled-up pissed off face.
See? You can’t pay attention to the flower because with that look on his face, you know you’re going to have to fight him. You know you’re going to lose. And you know you’re going to wind up eating the flower.
What do you want to see Liam Neeson punch in the face (assuming it has a face)? Let us know in the comments.