Before I start with this, don’t get me wrong, I love magic, and I love Harry Potter, I’d love to live in that universe, and as soon as they open that theme park, I’m there. However when I rolled out of the theatre after watching that Half-Blood Prince movie, I had a burning desire to live in the HP universe, if only for my fool proof get rich quick scheme: hocking cell phones to wizards.
I see that look you’re giving me, and I know it sounds like I’m the tool in the back of the movie who’s talking about how magic is “lame” but hear me out here: there is nothing that the wizarding world can offer that can compete with a simple, honest cell phone. Think about it: you’ve gotten that letter to Hogwarts you’ve wanted since you read Book One and you’re off to Hogwarts. When the wizard kids want to talk to their folks what do they have to do while you pick up your phone?
Well, they can write a letter, climb seventy or so flights of stairs to climb up to the owl loft, avoid being nipped by the bird as they tie the letter (very securely) to the creature’s leg, or put an envelope in its beak, then send it off. They’ll have their reply in three or four days. Option B, they can grab a handful of Floo Powder and cram their head in a fireplace! Doesn’t that sound delightful? I sure hope mom and dad are home cause otherwise they’ve just gotten a face full of ash for nothing. Meanwhile you’ve called your mom, dad, sister, cousin, aunt, friend from high school all with total privacy.
[ad#longpost]Think about all those exchanges in the later books when professors and covert wizard agents are sending people in portraits to go to one of their other portraits and get someone’s attention, when all a muggle would have to do is pick up their phone. If I could get a small Verizon outlet in Hogsmeade and a cell phone tower I’d be rolling in it.
Of course I’m sure Dumbledore would shell out some dough for me to install some Hogwarts computer labs as well…I’m just saying. I mean, digitizing all of the Hogwarts library on to hard disc and putting those dark arts books into secure file storage I would think would cut down on their graduate-turned-dark-wizard rate.
And cars? Don’t get me started about carsâ€¦ Here are your transport options in the HP world:
Now, most of you Scar-Heads out there (hmm, did I just coin a new potter fan name? Perhaps.) will mention two other modes of transportation in Harry’s universe but remember that both of them are enchanted muggle vehicles–which I will mention–are both used by wizards in their non-enchanted forms that I mentioned above. If a wizard has to eventually take a muggle driver’s test, flying isn’t all that great.
Now, let us consider the biggest disadvantage of magic over muggle technology: guns. I hear the cry of bullshit from the audience, so let me explain it in some very specific HP examples. Firstly, a gun can be operated by almost anyone with a two minute crash course. The wizarding equivalent, an Avada Kedavra curse, requires practice and that the person casting it must really want to kill the person. I will remind those of you that didn’t pay attention to your Saturday morning PSAs that you can kill a person with a gun without even intending to pull the trigger. Also consider the wizard’s immediate defensive reflex: the shield charm. Firstly, the main defensive reflex of a wizard is designed to protect against spells, not projectiles. That is pure conjecture, of course, but what isn’t is the fact that Fred and George Weasley state that most wizard’s can’t cast a decent shield charm and so–blam, you can kill a wizard. Also, last time I checked you could use a firearm without screaming really loudly that you were about to do it.
So in summation, if Harry and the gang had just followed my lead, they could have looked for all the horcruxes using Wikipedia, texted their friends to tell them secretly what was going on, hopped in the car, and if Voldemort found them in the meantime, they could’ve put two in his head and had ten years to find all of the damn MacGuffins before Voldy could get himself a new body.
And Here endeth the rant.