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Avengers Cologne: Superpowerful For A Man, But Made For A Geek

Avengers cologne

I know that aggressive merchandizing is standard operating procedure for media companies. How else are they going to maximize their monetizing streams. So we get flooded with T-shirts, action figures, plush toys and anything else you can slap some copyrighted imagery on. The problem is that marketers get a little…insane. It’s almost like a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, where your licensed content must be every single thing available or else it is unclean. Think I’m exaggerating? I have a perfect example.

Avengers Brand cologne.

Yes, really.

[ad#longpost]JADS International, the same company that made the infamous Star Trek colognes a while back have done it again. Unfortunately. You have to wonder what’s in the water at Marvel (or Disney or Darvel) licensing that made them think this was a good or even money making idea. I guess they must be hoping that clueless relatives will see this and consider it perfect for their geek nephew or grandson.

I can’t speak to the quality of the aroma these colognes have (some free samples would be helpful–just saying). However, from reading their descriptions, how can any self respecting geek wear this stuff?

Here’s an example from the ad copy of SMASH!, the Hulk cologne:

Very unusual and rare materials have been brought together to create a woody aquatic cologne evoking both a serene sense of timeless freedom and a single-minded, unbridled passion for life. Yuzu, bergamot and tarragon create clean, clear top notes along with unexpected accords of water lily and nutmeg. SMASH! then carries an intense woody drydown enriched with Indian sandalwood, vetiver, musk and sharp cedar. Complimentary to a full range of emotions, it wears well no matter where—at work, the lab or an evening out on the town.

First off, “evoking both a serene sense of timeless freedom and a single-minded, unbridled passion for life”? Obviously, no one at Marvel read this copy and pointed out that “serene” and “passion for life” are not terms you use for the Hulk. And what’s with all the woody ingredients? The only thing the Hulk and a forest have in common is the color green. And occasionally, The Hulk has been known to use entire trees as blunt instruments.

But wait, it gets better. Check out the Mark VII, the Iron Man cologne:

A resolutely sophisticated cologne forged from the sea, the sun, the earth, and a touch of devil-may-care whimsy. Transparent, aromatic, and modern in nature, Mark VII combines mandarin, neroli, nasturtium and jasmine layered with light patchouli to create a contemporary expression of “I don’t play well with others” confidence; leaving you always ready for whatever a genius, billionaire, playboy-philanthropist might encounter along the way.

“… forged from the sea, the sun, the earth…” Tony Stark is a captain of industry, not a fucking hippie. And he would not wear patchouli. I doubt Tony wears any sort of scent. Anyone who have been in an elevator with someone wearing a powerful perfume or cologne can attest to how irritating it is. Now imagine that inside a powered suit of armor. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it. (Although, admittedly: mandarin? Yeah, you get a couple points for sneaking that in.)

Here’s Worthy, the Thor cologne:

This woody citrus cologne is a unique, meaningful combination of bergamot, frozen ginger and wheatgrass blended with a hint of fresh natural grapefruit and layered deeply with aromatic cypress. Basenotes are possessed with sensual, seductive tones of dark amber and cedarwood, protecting and enhancing a deep, dry masculine (dare we say almost God-like?) musk.

Wheatgrass? Ginger? Grapefruit? The God of Thunder does not smell of grapefruit. A viking warrior might eat a grapefruit. Might hurl a grapefruit as a projectile. But wear it? Also, the copy writer needs to just quit and become a romance novelist. Honestly, all this description needs is a ripped bodice.

Then there is PATRIOT, the Captain America cologne:

A cologne that pays homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard working average Joe in every man. PATRIOT Cologne is both reserved and sexy; like a symbol on a shield or a moniker on a motorcycle helmet. Fresh notes of green lime and white pepper are the first to hit with dry oak wood, sandalwood and tequila accords finishing the adventure. Perfect for any time or place, PATRIOT Cologne puts the Novus Mundus in your strong, sensuous hands for you to embrace and discover.

Let’s settle this right now. If Steve Rogers wears anything, it’s Old Spice. He is not going to wear something that smells like a margarita. Why are these people trying to make Captain America smell like a Mexican cocktail? Did Jose Cuervo slip them a little something under the table? And we get more of this overripe florid language like “… strong, sensuous hands for you to embrace and discover.” The only things Cap is doing with his hands is beating the shit out of Nazis, Commies, and Skrulls.

If you’re interested in smelling good and want something geeky but that is also classy and sexy, go over to our favorite perfumier, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab.

As to the world of colognes out there, there are plenty of brands to choose from. Just don’t buy the Avengers set. They may make more. Do you want an Ant-Man cologne on your conscience?


  • In short, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Whoever in the hell decided the wording was anything approaching a good idea needs to pencil in a meeting with the weapons of each respective hero. Don’t kill him though. In the words of Jim Carrey, “If you kill ‘im, he don’t learn nuthin.”