the task

Okay, so the most expensive book in the world is priced at 153 million euros. It's called "the task" and is by author Tomas Alexander Hartmann. And I'm going to go ahead and assume that this guy is serious, although I admit freely this sounds like some sort of mildly amusing SNL skit. But I have known people who would be considered this pretentious. Anyway, the book is priced such because the contents of the book are just That Damn Good. It better be, because there's only thirteen pages in it.

The author claims to have answered the three final important questions of humankind in less than three hundred sentences: Where do we come from? Where are we going? And: What is the real task we still have to take on?

Now, to be fair, I have not read "the task." My request for a review copy was never answered by Mr. Hartmann. But assuming that this is for real--because I'm still having trouble making myself believe it--then I'm sure it's up for the Golden Wanque Award, which I understand is given out each November in Prague. For 153 million euros you get the book translated into your language, inserted into a gold cover and you get all licensing rights. For that sort of price, you should probably get oral sex on demand for life as well. But nobody asked me. So.

Actually, you know what? I'm going to answer all three questions that Mr. Hartmann purports to have used thirteen pages for, and I'm going to throw in two extra questions and answers. And I'm going to do this...for free. And I'm thinking that my answers will probably be more relevant to the people of the world than Hartmann's. I'm not saying that because I think mine are that good, I'm just saying that because I have a pretty good idea that his are that crappish. Here we go.

Q: Where do we come from?
A: I'm going to assume that by "we" you mean the human race and not you and the four people you brought with you. Therefore, I feel I must tell you that the human race came from the ancient and primordial ooze, crawling and fighting its way through millennia until it could reach this web page and learn Vast Truth.

Q: Where are we going?
A: Out for coffee. But you're buying.

Q: What is the real task we still have to take on?
A: There are, in fact, three. One, the Unified Field Theory. Two, become a true spacefaring race and evolve into pure energy, ruling the universe. Three, rescue the family of Otherworld from Thel, where they have been trapped since 1985.

Bonus Q: Who is the Buddha that makes the grass green?
Bonus A: His name's Larry. He does great work, doesn't he? All this and the hedges for $50. Sweeps up too.

Bonus Q: What does evil always want?
Bonus A: Pudding.

You are welcome. Now about that coffee...