PLEASE NOTE: “As an Amazon Associate, [Need Coffee] earns from qualifying purchases." You know we make money from Amazon links,
and I know you know this, but they make us say it anyway. More info, click here.

Masturbation May Kill You! Or It May Not.


Widge barges into my office here in our underwater lair off the coast of Iowa. He’s in a panic. Not that unusual, he probably thinks Skynet is trying to play Missile Command for real or something. Especially when he comes in screaming “We’re all doomed!”

I responded, “What now?”

“Send out a bulletin! Send out an alert! Mankind is doomed! Doomed, I say!”

I already thought that slapping someone to calm them down was a cliche, but it really works.

Now that Widge had come to his senses (as close as Widge can get), he hands me a printout of this article. I admit I was a little concerned, especially with a headline like “STUDY: MASTURBATION CAUSES CANCER”

[ad#longpost]It seems that a study shows that young men who masturbate a great deal are at greater risk of prostate cancer. But being a short article, I decided to do a little research. I found a more detailed article on WedMD.

The article says that studies suggest that there is a correlation between 20 something men who masturbate a lot (between 2 and 7 times a week) and certain kinds of colon cancer. On the flip side, older men in the 50’s actually have a lower chance of getting cancer if they engage in single player action. Of course, like most articles trying to scare you into reading them, the caveat is near the end.

“These are just theories, Dr. Dimitropoulou warns. More research is needed to determine the exact role of sex hormones and sexual activity in prostate-cancer risk at different stages of life.”

In other words, we could be wrong. Don’t you love how newspaper articles and TV news reports always have that near the end while the “We’re all gonna die!” is front and center? Still, I don’t mind. I can get another chance to smack Widge again.

Ministry of Naughty Bits Seal


  • For the record, I was more afraid for Scott than anyone else on the staff. Which is why I went to him first. See what I get for being afraid for a staff member’s health? Grief. Oy.

  • so, clearly, if you masturbate a lot while young you need to continue on into your 40s and beyond to offset that.

    Seriously, this shit can go either way, and until I see conclusive proof…

  • Korbl: Exactly…it’s like shaving–once you start, you can’t ever stop.

    HTQ4: He smacked me with his personality. Just like every time he talks to me.

    Scott: No, I’m saying you never go out on dates, so you have the most driven to have sex…with yourself. You need to listen more carefully when I’m speaking to you. I thought it was supposed to make you go blind, not deaf…